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Old August 27th, 2007, 10:19 PM  
Serenity
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Name: Valerie
Join Date: June 12, 2007
Location: PA
Age: 26
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Default Re: Final Flight: A Tale of Courage and Sacrifice

lol Johnny let me say to you the same thing I said to ThatCanadianGuy in your thread: when posting in the Creative Writing forum, strive to give constructive criticism, positive or negative. Don't just leave shallow 'that's good' or 'that's bad' comments, tell what you liked or didn't like about it. IOW, leave comments that you would like left on your thread- I don't think you'd much appreciate 'Very Shagadellic!' after 6 chapters

AfterEdit:

Ok, I'm going to absolutely HATE myself tomorrow morning at 6:30 when I have to wake up and get ready for 7 hours of Band Camp, but I finally took the time to go through your story So.


Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatCanadianGuy View Post
By: James ------- (that would be me )
You probably shouldn't post your last name on the net. Just sayin.

Quote:
The Rebecca was a beautiful aircraft; an Avro Lancaster Heavy Bomber, which coincidentally was manufactured near Powell’s hometown of Manchester. As beautiful as it was, the Rebecca was also deadly. Crewed by seven men, five of which manned powerful machineguns, the Rebecca was armed to the teeth; she bristled with firepower.
"The Rebecca" is rather repetitve. If my very limited knowledge proves correct, you can substitute "she." Same goes for the "it." Also, shouldn't it be five of whom?

Quote:
I’m starting the engine startup sequence. Hold on to something!”
I suggest changing it to "beginning the engine startup sequence," starting and startup are awkwardly repetitive. And by saying "hold on to something" it rather gives the impression of dishevelment and not knowing what's going on. I think "hold on" would suffice to serve as a warning, but also conveys that it's a procedure they're used to and familiar with.

Quote:
The rest of the landing gear followed, and the Rebecca was airborne.
Again, "The Rebecca" is getting repetitive. "She" would work just fine.

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“Congratulations Danny Boy! I couldn’t have done it better myself. That is, if I knew how to fly,” exclaimed Johnny Wilkes, the radio operator.
Seeing as he wouldn't have actually exclaimed "That is, if I knew how to fly," you should split it into: '"Congratulations, Danny Boy!" Johnny Wilkes, the radio operator, exclaimed. "I couldn't have done it better myself. This is, if I knew how to fly." Suddenly...' Or something along those lines.


Quote:
“What is it? Bad news?” asked one of the Rebecca’s waist gunners nervously.
Really, we understand that you are referring to the Rebecca. "One of the waist gunners."

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Sounds similar to explosions could be hear in the distance; increasing in strength and volume as the Rebecca dove through the developing cloud cover.
Similar to explosions?? Are they explosions or aren't they? And I think a comma would be fine in place of the semi-colon.

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“Well, it looks like our original mission is scrapped. Pick your targets wisely; I don’t want you wasting ammunition. Good luck everyone, and God be with you,” he announced solemnly. Then the Rebecca cleared the cloud cover.
That first sentence doesn't really reflect his solemnity. Also, you just used the phrase 'cloud cover.' Also repetitive.

Quote:
Staccato bursts of gunfire resonated throughout the Rebecca, as Nick Powell hurriedly clambered into his machinegun station and added his fire to Mill’s defense.
You seem to be really fond of the word 'machinegun.' Lay off a bit- 'he clambered into his station.' Also, the last part is rather confusing. Was he defending Mill, with someone else by his side, or did he join Mill in defending the aircraft? I assume it's the latter, but it's unclear.

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The German fighter was known as a “bomber-killer” for a reason.
This phrase, though not verbatim, was also used in the beginning. Again, repetitive.

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It had firepower that nearly matched that of the Rebecca, but in a much smaller and nimble platform.
'and more nimble platform.'

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“Engine four is out! Shut it down before she catches fire!” called Powell as he observed the engine, now riddled with bullets.
When one observes something, it is calmly and with some detail. The word

Quote:
He marveled at the detailed camouflage covering the fighter, which he could clearly see at twenty meters. Then he fired all of his ammunition into the fighter’s engine.
I think you should add, "In the split second before firing, he marvelled..." just for clarification/reminding that he wasn't gazing at this fighter attacking them admiring how pretty it was Also, is it possible for him to fire all of his ammunition at once like that? I'm not up to speed on my aircrafts, but that just seems wrong.

Quote:
Smoke, then flame streamed from the craft’s radiator as it struggled to gain altitude.
flames,

Quote:
“I think we should be going Captain. You won’t be able to land this thing; it’s almost over on its side now!” sighed Powell.
Again, sighing just seems out of place here.

Quote:
The Captain nodded, and the rest of the crew jumped out of the Rebecca’s bomb bay doors, which Powell had opened promptly.
Isn't there a better way of phrasing 'jumped out of the Rebecca's bomb bay doors?' Idk it just seems...not right.

Quote:
“Let’s land this baby. I managed to get out from under that wing. Blocked by intercom, it did. Everybody else bail out?” Mills asked in bewilderment. He had been cut off from the others, stuck in the tail of the aircraft. He had no knowledge of Wilson’s plan.
You should definitely split his dialogue to establish who's speaking. Or begin with, 'Mills appeared in the [cockpit?? lol again, I'm not exactly up to date on aircrafts] "Let's land this baby. I managed to get out from under that wing. Blocked by the intercom, it did." Realizing he and the captain were alone, Mills looked around in bewilderment. "Everybody else bail out?"


Quote:
“Yes. They bailed out. Now you will too. I’m staying. I will not allow my ship to crash into Buckingham Palace,” Wilson said quietly.
Again, I think you should split this. "Yes, they bailed out. And now you will too." Wilson said quietly. "I'm staying. I will not allow my ship to crash into Buckingham Palace."


Quote:
Go Robert. You have your whole life ahead of you!” Wilson pleaded.
This is very awkward and out of context- he suddenly went from solemn and quiet to yelling and pleading, but without establishing the change. You should add in something like Wilson seeing the hesitance in his eyes and suddenly pleading with him to save himself.

Quote:
Mills swallowed and shook his head stubbornly.
“I can’t abandon you like this!” Mills cried.
'Mills swallowed and shook his head stubbornly, crying, "I can't abandon you like this!"

Quote:
The once beautiful aircraft took on the appearance of a dying whale as the gap between itself and the Buckingham Palace courtyard closed in seconds.
A dying whale? In the sky...? It's an interesting comparison but it doesn't quite work for me...

Quote:
“Goodbye, Danny boy,” whispered Robert Mills. Still floating to earth, he saluted the growing tower of deathly-black smoke rising form the Palace courtyard, a funeral pyre fit for a king. Mills looked into the early morning sunrise where the rest of the Rebecca’s surviving crew also respectfully saluted the best Captain they ever had, albeit for only one mission. Captain Daniel “Danny Boy” Wilson had just graduated from the Royal Flight Academy one week earlier. He was only twenty-one years old…
WOW that was an extremely abrupt ending. It was going along great, and then it just seemed like you got sick of it so you wrapped it up as quickly as possible. I know that's not the case, but there's no real resolution to it- it just ends. Also, Mills is floating back to the ground still and sees his comrades in 'the early morning sunrise.' Are they also still floating back to the ground? If so, they would be quite far below him, wouldn't they? A little clarification there would be very benificial.

Overall, I liked it. You have some good sensory details, though I wouldn't cry if there were more, and an excellent vocabulary. My only real issue with it, obviously, was the repetition throughout. Other than that, bravo- a job very well done

Last edited by Serenity; August 27th, 2007 at 11:41 PM.
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