I know I'm not such an active poster anymore. I'm always busy with running and swimming and school--etc.
Anyways, I'm usually not so susceptible to others opinions as i am now. I am gay. My speech is gay, my body language is gay, and the way I walk is gay and everyone knows it and up until a couple days ago i havent really been ridiculed for my gay acts. I'm afraid that i cant play straight or try to be more manly much longer because its something that doesnt come very natural to me in the least bit. what im scared of the most is losing my best friend and losing the people that continue to think highly of me--because that is the only thing that has kept me going this long and prevented me from killing myself. now my friends are embarrassed of me and many arent really friends anymore or will only talk to me when no one else sees them.
i know i shouldnt care what others think, thats the obvious answer--but if im not giving others joy then im not happy myself. i thrive on social interaction and im sick of being gay and dont want to turn out like a disgusting faggot i know im conforming into. my parents dont have the money to send me out of state for college (not even on a small scholarship--im not THAT good in sports to get a full..i just couldnt...) and its truely my only option if i want to be happy. I'm sick of school, im sick of people, im sick of my thoughts, im sick of needing a male companion, im sick of all fucking homosexuals, i just want to curl up in a corner and be shot. I sincerely mean that.