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Old August 11th, 2007, 11:38 AM  
Prince Jellyfish
Prince Jellyfish's Forum Picture
Join Date: August 9, 2007
Location: Gettysburg, Pennsylvania
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Default I can't seem to get it right...

Back in 2004 I was cheated on for the first time. He was my best friend and she was a girl I'd crushed on for two years. Afterward I really got down on myself and ended up dating a girl I barely met who, as it turned out, was a a heroin junkie. Shortly into our relationship I started using as well and continued to even after (especially after) we broke up.
Fast forward to the summer and fall of 05': I had managed to keep my "habit" a secret and I once again began to see the girl who cheated on me with my best friend. I told her it wasn't working and that we should just be friends (and we still are). Also, during this period of time I dated a bunch of girls that I hated and eventually quit heroin in the fall.
Nothing happened during winter so we can skip to spring!
I got into my first serious relationship in a long time. I'm talkin' long walks through gardens, going to the zoo, movies, dinners with her parents, and cuddling. Pretty great. Turns out, half way through she started talking to this stupid emo kid with a reputation for cheating. On our 5th monthaversary (har) she left me for him. I was actually forced to walk home IN THE RAIN from her place. =[
I didn't see anyone until nearly a year after. What makes that even worse is that i lost my viriginity during this in between period to a girl that was just using me. I felt abused afterward. I told kept telling her that I didn't want to but she just kept naqging...It's totally my fault though. I may not have said "yes", but at one point I stopped saying "no".
So, like I said, I spent a long period alone. The next girl I started dating was a model. Now, my self-esteem kinda sorta maybe got a boost from it, but I didn't know about it until our second date XP Anyway, our relationship was weird. I was dating her, but I wasn't. We were acting like a couple, but we weren't. I mean, she even had a BOYFRIEND. To be fair, he was a drug-dealing scumbag and the days that I'd see her after she'd been with him the night before her...knees would always be really bruised up...Ugh, draw your own conclusions. So, one night we eventually slept together. It was great. It was amazing. For a few hours I actually stopped hating sex. But, this was not to be.
Afterward, she felt bad. Terrible. But she managed to hide it behind that magazine cover smile of her's. Yeah, long story short: I ended up sleeping on the couch.

See a pattern? I don't feel safe putting myself out there. So far, I've only had what one might call "one night stands" and I loathe myself for it. I get close, they cheat, I hurt. Even the girls that I didn't like did it. Right now I'm seeing a great girl who, in fact, is like no one I've met or even heard of in my entire life. Our personalities click perfectly and we can't get enough of each other.

Here's my crisis: my past has caused me to push girls away when they get too close. When things get serious I become stand-offish and jealous, which may even be they end up cheating. I can't have that with this one. I can't push her away. I just moved and she's my only friend. Best-friend AND lover, no pressure on her, right? XD We're starting to get serious and I dont' want to run her off. What do I do to keep her? She's a really great girl. I don't want her running away. If I lose her I basically lose everything and I'll be alone again. I don't want to start drinking again, that's what I do when I get lonely. D= Halp?
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