Re: Right now... life sucks
I just feel its too late to change; I've made it by so far, and I think I can keep myself alive, but I just hate my life right now. One of my few remaining good friends is moving away, destroying yet another "circle of friends" I've had, and camp is coming to a close, meaning those friends will be gone during the school year (with the exception of two, one who goes to my school, the other who lives near me). I know my life is not as bad as some other people's, but my self-esteem has been crushed by everyone telling me I suck and that I have no friends; no life. My dad puts me down, my mom unintentionally puts me down, kids I thought were my friends put me down. Since 6th grade or so my life has been ripped apart, and I just don't seem to have the ability to reconnect the pieces. I can't change. I'm unable to, I always try to make life as simple as possible, and I've dropped lots of things to make my life easier (i.e. baseball/chorus). My dad made my main focus athletics and academics when I was younger, and now I focus solely on academics, as it seems thats all I have left. I think I would be dead if it weren't my one close friend and my mom's undying love. I felt really down like 10 minutes ago, and when I feel really upset and unworthy of life, I attempt suicide. 10 minutes ago I didn't attempt suicide, but I thought about it, as well as running away. I keep coming so close to ending it, and these little things keep triggering my anger and melancholy, and I'm afraid of what could happen if I become upset in school or due to school. I think I'll end up hurting myself or possibly someone else before I even get the oppurtunity to try and start again. I don't even know if what I just typed made sense, I don't even care, I don't know why I bother with vt... I guess just to ramble.... and ramble.... damnit, I feel like shit right now... I feel really low...
I'm way too high (too high too high)
To be feeling this dry and low
I'm way too tired, I've tried
I'm fired up and ready to roll