My life has sucked ever since 5th grade when my best friend moved away. When he moved away I lost all my friends, we had a huge group of friends, but when our "leader", Justin, left to go to a different town our group of friends collapsed. Ever since then I've had trouble making friends.
I was always good at befriending the outcast or the new kid, but then, eventually, I myself became the outcast. As of right now I have no great friends. No one that I keep in contact with, no one that I talk to constantly, etc. All my friends have stabbed me in the back, and most of them now ignore me. They treat me like shit, but I can't leave them, because I don't want to be friendless.
I have a fear of dying, but I want to die. I'm so fucking confused (excuse my profanity, but I'm just really pissed, for no damn reason). I've been so upset and not only do some of my second-rate friends make fun of me, but my own dad makes fun of me for my lack of friends. I can't handle this anymore, I'm on the verge of suicide, or possibly even homicide. I want everyone and everything to die. I've been pissed ever since the day my friend left, and that anger and melancholy has grown. I've become depressed and angry at myself and the world.
I'm sorry for my ranting, my world has just come crashing down. Up until maybe the last month of school, I always pretended I was someone, that my friends weren't assholes, and that I had the ability to make friends and be socially active. But now I've finally come to realization, and I've realized I have much less friends than I've always thought I've had. I have no best friend, no friends I can trust, no friends I can even refer to as great, or even good friends.
I hate my life right now. If it weren't for my brother and my mom, and maybe even VT right now, I'd be dead. I've been hiding all these feelings inside, and my mom is the only one that knows I've attempted suicide. None of my friends suspect anything, and my dad doesn't know of my attempt(s), but he knows I've been to a psychiatrist. All my friends think I'm "normal", and no one things of me as depressed or masochistic; but I am. I know I can't tell them the truth, but I think its too late in my life to turn things around. I want to start again, but I don't know how, besides that urge, my only other urge is to die. I want to die so badly, I've tried suffocating myself, asphyxiating myself, burning myself, poisoning myself, etc., but, I guess I'd consider it to be luck,
I've never even come close to dying. I want to cut, but I'm afraid of knives. If there was a gun in my house, and I could gain access to it, I would almost definitely be dead by now. My only fear is knives, I wouldn't mind dying any other way. I just need help... I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate my friends, I hate everything and everyone... The only person in the world that I can trust right now is my mom, and I can't even tell everything to her. I think I'm on the verge of suicide, but I have no clue... HELP, PLEASE.