i need help
i am depressed for longer than 70 percent of the day, a lot of times for no reason and i can not figure out why.
then i have created names for each mood.
there is kira where i try to make deals with people like as if i am the devil himself. These deals are always in the best interest for me, or for the worst for others. and this is strang because i feel like a god and am cunning and tricky during this mood.
yamada mood is really on top of the world. it is when i force people into doing things and take drastic measures to make sure i win.
ryuichi is this bouncy person that i have only had once in my life.
jessica1 is a shiny girl who talks to nobody and wants to be pampered but afraid of everything.
jessica2 is depressed all of the time, wanting to die...trying to sell her soul to the devil.
it can't be multiple personality disorder because i know about the others. but two of my friends (the only two) who have dealt with this people are sure that i have multiple personalities.
and then i have memory problems where i forget so many thing. i have repressions where years after an inncident, i suddenly remember what happened.
so just to come clean, when i was in third grade i was sexually harrassed by my uncle. a year later i turned him in, unaware of what trouble i had created. almost every night from that time up until recently(recently is me going into my senior year of highschool), i was raped by a woman whether in broad daylight or late at night and i can not turn her in. When i was in fifth grade i was bullied and controled and one time, my bully bit me and almost killed me.
i had two boyfriends, never went anywhere with them. then a girlfriend who i dated for 7 or 8 months and we only took it as far as kissing, although for some reason i wanted to take it farther.
however, he mother was catching on to our realtionship (which was secret) and she began getting all up on my case. my gf was stupid enough to leave all of our notes out and her parents found them and almost told mine...and if my parents find out they will be heartbroken and will send me away. so what she did was pretend like i never existed and that really took a toll on me that i can stil not handle.
then later i broke up with her and remarkable ended up with a boyfriend who liked me for about a year. but i had treated him like shit but somehow he still treats me like an angel
(this is the guy who was sure i was multiple persoanlity)
and so like now i am with him but i go on and off with wanting to be with hi and for somereason i like women again which makes me worry about if my parents ever found out and then my sister follows everything i do. (which is bad)
i don't have any true friends anymore and i went two years without any friends at all...a complete mute.
when i was in about ninth or tenth grade (memory problems) i had a trio of ghosts come visit me and i made some sort of deal with them that i can't remember. my parents attempted to place me in a mental hospital because of this and it seemed like the whole world thought me to be a psycho.
but recently i met another who has a connection with these ghosts and says that they are the devil's eyes.
i dunno...i just am all over the place and i need psychological help without my parents finding out because that would disapoint them.
Japanese: Aa...kore? Kore wa desu ne...Kira dakara!
Spanish: Ah...eso? Eso es porque...soy Kira!
English: Ah...this? This is because...I am Kira!
"IÂ´m not bad...i'm just drawn that way."
"watashi wa miki wo aishiteru! Amo a Mickey! I love Mickey (Mouse)"