man, I'm so sorry! That's awful
Although it was so good that you were scared, so you won't do something so awful again! You need to stop this, because cutting is
life threatening, and that's why it's so scary to know that someone self harms!
Have you thought about telling someone, like a doc or therapist about this? I've read a lot of what you've posted, and it sounds like you should get some help if you haven't already.