Join Date: June 22, 2007
Location: United states
Re: Jokes and Riddles
I got more I put i seperate posts
Things You Shouldn't say to an officer
Can you hold my beer, I cant reach my license.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Are You Andy or Barney?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
I pay your salary!
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
wish not to hear this during surgery
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Rats, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off!
What's this doing here?
That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
what not to say during sex
is it in?
3)you've got to be kidding me.
4)(phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5)do i have to pay for this?
6)do i have to call you tomorrow?
7)oh mother, mother!
8)oh daddy, daddy!
9)you look better in the dark.
10)this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11)I thought that goes in the other hole....
12)don't tell my husband/wife.
13)you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
15)can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16)I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17)I think you might get the job for this.
18)damn! is that all you know what to do.
19)did I tell you, I have herpes?
20)now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
25)are you trying to be funny?
26)can I have a ride home after this?
27)are those real?
28)by the way, I want to break up.
29)is that smell coming from you?
30)haven't you ever done this before?
31)wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32)do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33)you're so much like your sister....
34)your mom's cute.
35)what's your name again?
36)do I have to be here in the morning?
37)a second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
38)but you just started!!
39)you're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!!
40)don't touch that!!
41)can we order a pizza?
42)I think my dad is listening at the door.
43)smile for the camera, honey!!!
44)take off that damn monkey glove!!
45)get your hand out of there!!
46)I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47)I knew you wore a padded bra!!
48)cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
49)DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
51)God, that is small!!
52)hold on, let me change the channel...
53)who smells like fish?
54)is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55)your best-friend does it much better.
56)hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57)hurry up, the motor's running'.
58)you're fogging up the wind-shield.
59)can I borrow 5 bucks?
60)what the hell noise was that?!
61)stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62)shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63)you know, you're not really attractive.
64)I'm sorry, I was not listening.
65)what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66)stop interrupting me!!
67)I have to poop.
68)did I leave the iron on?
69)your breath is funky.
70)(start singing Green Day).
71)is it o.k. if I call someone, its o.k. though, keep going....
72)its ok honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
73)god I wish you were a real woman.
74)why can't you ever shave your legs?
75)by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
76)oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... dang.
77)your breast milk is like my mom's....
79)your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80)is it o.k. if I never see you again?
81)did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82)don't make that face at me!
83)all of a sudden I have a headache.
85)Would you shave my back after this.
86)Did I mention my name is Zoo from Planet Tog.
87)how much do I owe you?
88)How come we each have a penis? (If it wasn't suppose to be that way)
89)of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
)your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
just use your finger, its bigger.
)does your family have to watch?
)we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
)get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
)can you hold this sandwich for me?
)you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
)the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
)my mom taught me this.....
)how cute... peach fuzz!
1)Dang girl! my boobs are bigger than yours!
1)should I ask why you're bleeding?
1)this is my pet rat, Larry....
1)if you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
1)I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
1)I was once a woman...
)wan see me take out my glass eye?
107)no I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
108)is it o.k. if I tell my friends about this?
109)I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110)you wanted me to use a condom?
111)you're no better than my brother!!
113)Fire in the hole!!!
1)I wanna see how many quaters I can fit in there.
1)hurry up, I'm late for a date.
1)o.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
)you ever see basic instinct?
I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
you got boogies showing.
I think I just pooped on your bed.
of course I don't love you.
let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-I-n-t.