Join Date: June 22, 2007
Location: United states
Re: Jokes and Riddles
Things to do in a Store
JUST IN CASE YOUR BORED
1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! Pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"
Fun Things to do in a Crowded Lift
found on the internet
1)Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2) Shake the person's hand when he/she enter the lift.
3) Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.
4) Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
5) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!".
6) Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
7) Sell Girl Scout cookies.
8) On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
10) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
11) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
12) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off
13) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
14) Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
15) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
16) One word: Flatulence!
17) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
18) Do Tai Chi exercises.
19) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
20) When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
21) Give religious tracts to each passenger.
22) Meow occasionally.
23) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
24) Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
25) Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
26) Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
27) Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
28) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
29) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
30) Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
31) Leave a box between the doors.
32) Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
33) Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
34) Start a sing-along.
35) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
36) Play the harmonica.
37) Say "Ding!" at each floor.
38) Lean against the button panel.
39) Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
40) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
41) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
42) Bring a chair along.
43) Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
44) Blow spit bubbles.
45) Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
46) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
47) Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
48) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
49) Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
50) Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
51) Announce to the person stood next to you "I really need the toilet. Can I use your bag?"
52) Ask the other passengers "Wouldn't be great if this lift were to plumment to the floor, what do you think will happen?"
53) Petend to get your leg stuck in the door as it closes
53) Without letting anyone see, press the emergency stop button. Act surprised and start talking to yourself "its ok, it wasnt your fault you killed your family. It was SATAN, damm you SATAN! DAMN YOU!!!" Then press the stop button again and act as if nothing has happened.
54) Scratch yourself excessively saying "fucking headlice. They're all over me. I knew I shouldn't have played with that dog so much"
55) Set out a pinic set on the floor and suggest to the other passengers to join you in afternoon tea
56) Break wind and blame it on the person next to you
57) Pretend your are a repair man here to fix the lift. Wait untill its busy and tell everyone to get out of the lift. You get in, get your paper out and sit and relax
58) Start to talk about your sexlife. Tell them that all of your three children were concived in this very lift. And point and say "it was up against that wall"
59) Have sex with your imaginary friend
60) Say you have just won the lottery and you are on your way to collect your winnings. See how many people are listening to you
61) As the lift descends, shout "Bombs away!"
62) Offer to polish their shoes. When they say no, tell them you need the money to feed your ten starving children back home in Estonia
63) Hand out leaflets - "what to do when the lift cable breaks. The ten tips that will keep your body in one pice (although these tips will not save your life, it will make the rescue a bit cleaner, and we wont have to spend ages cleaning the blood of the walls) Hope you will live to do it again!"
64) Perform a striptease
65) Act surprised when it starts to move and say "THE GROUND IS FALLING!"
66) Fake an orgasam when the lift starts to move. Announce that it was your best ever
67) Let your mobile phone ring - don't anwser it.
68) Walk in to the lift with a clear bottle of apple juice. Start drinking and say "ah, theres nothing like your own urine to quench your first. Does anyone want some?"
69) Say "this new g-sring is really starting to hurt." Then attempt to adjust it.
70) Walk into the lift and say "this reminds me of being burried alive. Ah those were the days"
71) Suggest to the other passengers that you all should play a game of twister. Then get out the board and lie it on the floor
72)Paint the walls of the lift.
73) On entering, ask the passengers "Will you be my fwiend?". Burst into tears if they say no.
74) Stop the lift and say "twenty years in prison for murdering the whole family, and I get stuck in a lift after being out for two hours. Just my luck!"
75) Get back to nature - go in naked
76) Pretend to be the pilot of the lift, speach into a headset "this is lift number 1, ready for decent to 1st floor. Waiting for permission to depart, over"
77) Announce in a computer like voice "this lift will self destruct in 5 4 3 2 .....oh heres my floor"
78) Serve tea and coffee
79) Take shoes off before entering, Look shocked and disgusted when the others dont
80) Act like the sergent of the lift. Order people around. Tell them to get in line.
81) Suggest to the other people that your should play musical statues. Bring a tape recorder along too
82) Teach the people french. Dont let them leave till they get it right
83) As you are coming to the end of the journey, get enmotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.
84) Insist, the lift ride costs Â£2.50
85) Describe in detail, how you're "hung like a horse"
86) Pretend to be a flight attendant (particularly affective if you are dressed like one), instruct the passengers on what to do in an emergency
88) Bring out a magnifying glass, closey inspect the other passengers skin and say "ooh, look at your pores"
89) Sing "I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get, get, get on your nerves" Over and over again.
90) Ask the others "Do you mind if I do my eminem impression?", then bring out a chainsaw and a mask.
91) Try breakdancing
92) Bring out a fake toy gun and shout to the person next to you "you lookin' at me?"
93) Challenge the guy stood next to you to a "thumb war".
94) Explain your ideas of world domination to the wall.
95) Force people to read to Kama Sutra while asking "do you wanna try this one?"
96) Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "it is time..."
97) Pretend to see a spider, repeatedly and violently stamp on the floor while screaming "Die you bastard, die DIIEEE!"
98) While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
99) If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
100) Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
101) Explain to the passengers that this lift looks the same as the ones on all the other floors.
102) Re-enact scenes from a movie where someone climbs out through the roof.
103) Tell people their clothes are stuck in the lift door, when the look round and see it isn't, apologise, then 5 seconds later say it again in exactly the same tone of voice.
105) Release cockroaches and rats or doves.
107) Point a fire extinguisher at the door as it opens and a passenger tries to enter, ready, aim, and bend the nozzle round and cover yourself with foam.
109) Dress up as a bellboy and ask them what floor they want and press the wrong one. When they try to correct you, spit,"are you trying to say i cant do my job?!'
110) Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.