Join Date: September 7, 2005
Double? Triple Personalities???
Lately, well, maybe not lately, its been quite a long time, just that I've never really spent time thinking about it, I always feel that I have a few different parts of me. Well, I'm not mentally ill or anything, its just that, as far as I think, I have 3 parts or different ways of thinking.
Firstly, Theres the dominant part of me, which would be my usual self, for most of the time. This part of me is more of a loner, this 'me' prefer to handle things on my own, without asking for help, a person of pride, but with higher efficiency in handling stuff, but the thing about this part of me is that I'm less sociable, talk less, and keep my thoughts and opinions to myself.
The second part is my outgoing self. Well, I've actually been more of a quiet person until bout 3 years ago when I met new friends, whom, till now, I really appreciate them. They were the ones that brought out this second part of me, a talkative, noisy, playful self. But, this makes me feel dependent on others. I seem to feel weird if this part of me lacks friends around me, I can't carry out my duties properly. (something like an opposite to my 1st self)
Third is the part which I try to suppress as much as I can. Even though I don't like it, but I can't help having this self in me. This self is my gay self. For a long time, I've always thought I could be gay, I don't know how, I don't know why, I just seem to be falling for guys more than I have interest in girls. I kinda have a crush on one of my friends, and whenever I think about him, this part of my self comes out and I have to try my best to keep myself from losing myself.
Well, in my everyday life, I usually alternate between my 1st and second personalities. But lately, I think my second self is getting 'stronger', maybe from too much social contact with my friends, and now, having my third 'gay' self in me, which nobody knows that I'm gay, I kinda feel alone and always misunderstood.
I really wish I could tell someone about it, well, I mean, someone whom I can talk to. But my social self prevents me from doing so because of the fear of losing my friends. I know it is a risk, but I just can't get myself to do it. My first part tells me that if I lose my friends, I'll just have to live life as I usually did, a loner, but with pride and great efficiency. But my second self fears losing my friends, and I can't get rid of my feelings towards this friend of mine. What should I do?
Do I tell someone? or remain silent till I find a friend similar to me? I really can't stand it and these thoughts of telling my friends that I'm gay keeps bugging me, yet I'm afraid I'll ruin my life all these while just by telling them that. (for your information, I live in a more "narrow-minded" country, as far as I've known, I've never heard of anyone being gay around me, well, there are a few lesbians, but they've gone through some hard times too)
Right now, I'm just.... confused..... someone please tell me what I can do.
Thanks a million