I am still having trouble coming to terms with my self abusive past.
I used to cut myself when I was younger about 14 and 15. I now have scars on my left arm because of it (it didnt help that I picked the scabs when it was healing). I haven't had too many people ask me what happened but I always use the lame excuse "my dog jumped on me." I hate it. My parents know I did it (when my dad screamed that one night: "WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR ARM!!!!"). Hell broke loose. I was crying my parents weren't so "whats wrong" they just told me "people go to hospitals for that!" etc... But I stopped when I realized my parents only wanted me to be healthy and stuff.
I never used to cut to kill myself. It was mostly for feeling. The pain. I did it to relase energy and the pain that was built up inside of me. I mean I was also in the peak of adolescence so, I was extra emotional.
But I hate these scars. I wish I could get rid of them. They hurt just looking at them, a reminder of how I caused myself and others pain.
And I can't seem to tell my best friend about them. I know it won't push her away to tell her, I just can't find the right time. I guess not on the phone. What do you think? I mean I just don't want her to worry about me and assume things and tell some one else, but I know her; she wouldn't make things worse.
I'm more worried about my boyfriend. Also, because we make so many "emo jokes" (I know not funny) but he doesn't know I really hurt myself. We're six months into our relationship, but I'm afraid of pushing him far far away. I dont know. I really love him but I don't want to have to hide this or lie to him because he notices I get extra sensitve about "cutting jokes" (because its not funny and its serious). But he doesn't know to stop because I never told him I once was in that position.
So, how do you tell your closest, more trust worthy friends of a haunting past?