Join Date: February 16, 2006
idk what to do anymore
i dont know who i am, or what i want to do, but im feeling like shit latly because i feel as if my life is being controlled. My music is dissipointing latly and i feel that i have accomplished nothing and will never accomplish anything as so long as i live...yes, im depressed, and yes, i've lost god. I really do not know what im doing right now, im just trying to find myself. I wanna be what i wanna see, but its hard to make yourself when you dont know where to begin. ever and ever i want to just say forget it all and just stop it, but i guess i cant. im lost and noones helping me by treating me like shit because of the things ive done. i really dont care anymore and i feel like the pressure is making me burst within, with noone realizing. someone told me i changed in a bad way, and for a while i thought it was them that changed, but for the reason they stated i changed, i can completly understand their concern. I want to be bright, i want to write music, and i want to help people, but i cant do all of that without other people, and if people are going to treat me differently because of things ive done, i dont konw what to say. Im depressed and i need a break, i just need someone to help me with something and thats all.
I'm confused with myself, and i feel like shit, i cant find myself and im just there. music is always big in my life, but its not working for me. I dont want to be normal, i want to live off of my music, but thats not possible if i dont have people to do it with...Yea, by now your all confused (if anyone reads this), but this is about one tenth of the things i have in my mind right now. Im simply letting it out in this blog, and i feel terrible for people knowing what ive done and etc. Im saddened and ashamed of myself and my mind, im pissed at something that i dont understand. I dont know right now, but it seems like everyones walking away from me to leave me in this pool of desperation, my life is fucked up because i have no strong bonds with anyone. Im too independent and i have no one to go to in my time of need. Ive been hung up in work and school the last few months etc. every hour of the weekend. I have lost everyone to talk to, even god, i dont know what to think, cause its hard when you need money to do what you think you need. I dont know...noone would read this far....if your confused just close this window, im not worth your time, i dont think anyone cares for me and i dont think anyone will. Because ive done things that are frowned upon, people treat me like shit and it makes me feel bad. I dont know i dont know...all i guess i can say is that this is the feeling thats hidden behind the smile you see whenver you see me. ive got problems that i feel no one can fix, it sucks and its true, i really dont know what to do.
Right now i really just want to go to bed, but i dont want to go to bed cause i feel like somethings gonna happen, i dont wanna work tommorow becaue im lowest in rank there too...im looked at as someone who will do something for "free". Im genereous all the time doing things for everyone else, and its like no one gives back...i dont notice shit and i try to be nice to people. all i get is negitiveity from people who think their soo much better than i am. I myself am lost at this point and im really just ready to stop writing. I think im gonna but i dont want to. Blahh, all the peace&love forever and world peace and love others as though you cant love them anymore and the anti war and the vegetarianism, the humanitarism, the anti-government, the anti-politics, for me thinking that we can all get along... the greatness of everything that i believe in is not mattering right now because i REALLy dont know what to think...i have NOONE to turn to right now...not my mom, not my dad, not my brother, not my godfather, not even god (i lost him, remember?). I reallly dont know what the fuck is going on, i was happy about 2 hours ago, and now im suddenly depressed, i dont kinow what to do.
i dont know what to do
wow, ive been writing this for 2 hours...time flys when your thinking i guess.
Peace & Love