what's wrong with me!?
i turn 17 next month. i've been out with 3 guys in my life. i've never been kissed.
the first guy i liked until just before the dance. i was thinking about him and i thought that he was kinda ugly. and then we had a horrible date because he didnt want to dance and he wouldnt talk. and then he dumped me monday.
the second guy i liked for a long time and after we went out, i decided he was kinda ugly and our personalities don't match and he wasnt affectionate enough.
the third guy i went out to a video game lock in and we just spent the whole night talking and i thought that it might be the beginning of a relationship. but then i was also thinking with some of the things he was talking about that he's kinda a pussy. but he lost interest in me because he liked this girl who he didnt really know with bigger breasts.
to forget him, i turned my interest to my new friend who recently started driving me to and from school, mainly because he drives a nice car. i spent a lot of time getting to know him last week and hanging around him and started liking him for him. but then it seemed the more i started wondering if he liked me back, the more i started thinking he wasnt so attractive. so he wanted to hang out with me at my house after school on the last day, and i was repulsed by the thought. and whatever he says to me when i talk to him online, i just think, "he's gross. what was i thinking?"
i know he's not a horrible person. i dont know why i suddenly think he is. i hate myself for feeling that way. i dont know why i feel repulsed by guys who like me. i dont know why seriously considering getting closer to a guy makes me uncomfortable. i dont know why i can't have a serious boyfriend. i want a boyfriend. i want someone to be close to. i dont know whats wrong with me.