Re: my dad hurts me.
i'm really not sure what i did to lynn. i feel bad that i made her mad somehow.
i can't leave, he would find me and hurt me even more. i can't hardly take what he does to me now.
maybe lynn was right in that i like it. if i didn't then i would work harder, fight back more, try to get help more. but then again, i am so scared to try again. i don't want worse.
i don't like it, i swear. it makes me so sad and depressed and sometimes makes me think about killing myself. but i couldn't do it.
last night was the worse. he had a bad day at work and went to the bar after. by the time he got home i was in bed. he came in and started yelling and screaming. he smelled so bad of alcohol. he screamed at me to take my nightgown off and i kept telling him no, no, no. he said i couldn't deny him this because he deserved it. he started to hit me over and over again. he ripped my nightgown off and started touching me all over. then he went in.
sometimes i pretend while he is doing it that it isn't really me he is doing it to. it is someone else and i am just watching, like a sick movie or something. i can hear him screaming and grunting and moaning, but i don't say a word. it isn't me. it isn't. it isn't.
i wish i could stop it all. i wish i could, but i can't.