i don't know what's going on...
lately everything has been going really good. grades are getting back up, making up work from school, i got a job, my parents and i are getting along so much better. but things from my past keep coming up (things from before i was ever adopted) and it's making me crazy. i started dieting a long time ago, just because i wanted to, and now sometimes i go an entire day without eating anything but a rice cake and some carrots. i thought at first that if i were skinnier, prettier, whatever, i would feel better about myself, especially after kris and katie. now i feel ugly, and too skinny, but yet i still hold out that hope that maybe i will like myself again, so i keep dieting and running 5 miles everyday. my therapist/psychiatrist put me on medicine and i have stopped taking it because i hate it. a kid from school that i have never hung out with before last month gave me some pills, xanax or something and it makes me feel good. i feel calm and lately i have been taking some everyday just so i can feel good about everything.
what i can't understand about myself is why, if everything is going so good, i keep sabatoging everything. because i know that's what i'm doing. but i don't know why. i want to have a good life, i want to have fun. but i feel like i can't let myself. it's so frustrating.