Thread: Not Eating
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Old March 30th, 2007, 02:34 PM  
Everglow
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Join Date: March 4, 2007
Location: Home
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Default Re: Not Eating

I believe you all so much, but the rejection from my parents is just too unbearable right now. I've tried to think of all the good things that I have done, but they just get dulled out every time I think about what my parents said to me. All my life I have tried so hard to make them satisfied with me, but they have always told me that I will never be good enough. I know I do good things, but I'm not proud or happy with myself because, I’m just not good enough to my parents.

Now I have this sexuality thing on my head. I'm flawed even more for not being the boy that they want me to be. I have never talked to them about my sexuality, mainly because I have always been afraid of how they might react. I know my parents hate people who are not straight. Every time I hear them make a nasty comment about someone who is not straight, a little part of me dies because, I know deep down that I am bisexual and because of that, I will never be accepted my parents. So I tried to hide it from them. My boyfriend Justin and I would see each other without our parents even knowing. The worst thing is that they now know that I’m in a relationship with a guy. Oh yeah, and they know that I've been with my boyfriend for six months. I wasn’t even the person who told them. His nosy sister walked in on us one day and just now decided to tell someone about it. Justin told me, after I found out that my parents knew, that the only reason why his sister told anyone was because it was killing her inside to know that we were messing around while our parents didn’t know. So, she needed to get it off her chest. He tried his hardest to stop her from saying anything, but she just wouldn’t listen. He’s in the same situation I am. His parents don’t know that he’s in a relationship with me and they don’t know that he’s gay. This is hell for the both of us right now and I’m here in Italy, a billion miles away from this shit. I’m not even there to defend myself or Justin.

I can’t cut, because if I do, I’ll wind up in the hospital and I sure as hell don’t want that again. Starving myself is just away for me to punish myself for all the disdain my parents have for me. I’m their failure. Before I got the call from them, I was starting to eat again. After the call, I nearly puked my brains out because I knew I’m in shit when I get home. The thought was just sickening. I almost cut too, but luckily I didn’t. I did, however, manage to put something in me today – a small salad, but it was too much. They are angry at me, I shouldn’t have had anything.

Everglow Has Left this place for a while...or for good. Time will tell.
It was a beautiful letdown
I was trying so hard to fit in
Fit in, until I found out...
I don't belong here
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