All because of a song
Here's the thing: I've liked this girl for ever, but we haven't seen each other for technically years, cause we live in totally different cities... and she says she loves me too!! There's another girl in my school that I think I like, and stuff.
Last Friday (sorry, but I haven't been able to get online) I just started hearing music on my mp3 really late at night, and then I put this new song I had put that same day, and I start hearing it... normally with love songs I think for some reason to the first girl, but I just couldn't. I started thinking about the girl in my school, and then I felt that I loved her more and that if I didn't have her I would die!! The weird thing is that this song didn't really touch me or something, until that same night, the first time i heard it on my MP3 all alone. So well, I felt really depressed, and I just couldn't think about anything I just walked up my bed, i went to the kitchen, took a knife, and went to the bathroom... I knew what I was gonna do, but I didn't want to do it to myself, I've heard is so bad. I tried, and I couldn't. I thanked god. But then I remembered I had a box cutter in my room and I technically ran to my room to take it, and I went to the bathroom again. I didn't want to do this to myself and it was the first time, I was shaking, I didn't know why I felt so depressed and all this while hearing the same song, I had put it on repeat. I heard it at least 20 times before trying to cut myself, but I just couldn't! I was shaking, I threw the box cutter to a pile of clothes and started crying myself out, and thinking about the two girls, and how much I felt I love them. then I wrote almost this same thing on my personal diary (it always helps) and burned it, burning my finger too, but feeling no pain. Then I just heard the song 20 more times, while looking my reflection in the mirror; Who was I? Who did I really love? Why am I feeling like this...? ...Hearing this song? I started asking myself thousands of questions, and I ended up hating myself, and my reflection, I didn't want to see it anymore, I took the knifes, and went to bed; I slept hearing the song, but feeling a bit better... my dear diary!! Now every time I hear the song, I have to put it on repeat, its almost an obsession I have with it, and I just can't help it; now by rule I cant hear the song and look myself on the mirror cause then I will hate myself, I tried it the morning after and I felt like suiciding. This was the first time I had such a big swing mood, for almost no reason. I feel stupid for trying to cut myself.
I guess I just wanted all this mess out