I tried to get help.
Tonight I went past the edge. I faced reality earlier today at school that my self-harm has gone too far, and that I have become addicted. I wrote a letter that really explained how I felt, posted it here, and then I wrote another couple paragraphs explaining how my self-harm started, how it escalated, and how it ruined my life. And I thought about getting help, I thought that I should try and stop even if I didnt really want to and I tried to talk to people. I talk to a few people, and it isnt working that much but I still tried talking, just trying to find...something. I realize that they cant help me online, and that the only way to stop myself from hurting myself anymore is to be forced to stop. I thought I would overdose on my ibuprofens, call the hospital and then get taken there, and be forced to stay while they give me help. Then someone gives me the great idea of calling 211 instead. And at first Im scared, and very nervous. Im scared that they will just end up dissappointing me as well, that they cant really help me. Well I finally get the courage to call them. So I dial. And I get a machine. They transfer me to a voicemail. A FUCKING VOICEMAIL from a HELPLINE. The one time I really try to get help, they screw me over. I couldnt handle it and I started crying very hard. And then I was hyperventilating, having a panic attack. I get really cold, breathing very hard, things start blacking out. But after a little while, I can breath again. And I dont faint. I try talking to people online again, anything to keep me sane, but then the one person I needed the most...the one I thought really cared about me says that he cant breathe. He cant breathe. In my neediest hour, the one time I need him the most, he wants to leave me. And I tell him this, that I really need him and how could he leave me like this. He says I cant blame him or some other shit. I was failed twice when I needed help the most. And now Im at a loss. I dont know what to do now. I cant handle this right now. Ive finally lost it.
Y'know, what was keeping me from offing myself all those other times? The thought that I could be helped. That I could change things. But when I try to get that help, and it doesnt work...what's stopping me now? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I DO NOT GO ON HERE ANYMORE. I HAVE LEFT THIS PLACE FOR GOOD AND DON'T INTEND ON COMING BACK. PLEASE DON'T FRIEND REQUEST ME, PRIVATE MESSAGE ME, OR ANYTHING BECAUSE I WILL NEVER SEE IT AND YOU'LL NEVER GET A RESPONSE. THANK YOU.
Last edited by schrei jess; February 28th, 2007 at 11:10 PM.