Well I posted this into creative writing as well but I want to add on to it. Here is a letter I began writing today, I didnt have anyone in mind to send it to - more to get my thoughts in order about my situation. It is a lot of writing here, but I want you to read it. I want all of you who are thinking about starting, and all of you in the same boat as me - been self harming for a while and cant stop - I want all of you to read this, please.
A Glimpse of My Soul - A Letter
Dear Anyone and Everyone,
Sometimes I wish I could stop. Find a normal way to deal with my emotional pain and problems but I donâ€™t think I can. Im addicted to hurting myself. Or at least Iâ€™ve convinced myself that I am. It's a rush, and self-harm to me is like drugs to a druggie - I love it...but I hate it too. Over the 2 years or so that Iâ€™ve been doing this, Iâ€™ve pushed my limits farther and farther. The things I said I would never do, Iâ€™ve done them. I love the anticipation of the pain I get just before I put the blade to my arm or before I touch the ice to my salted skin. I love the stinging and tingling feelings while my skin is being tortured and then I love the numbing sensation I feel afterwards. There's nothing like that sensation. It's satisfying...so satisfying. But that feeling goes away. And Im still craving it. So I do it again. And again and again until I cant take it anymore. Not long after, the regret sets in. And that's when I hate myself more than anything or anyone. And I cant stand it. That's when the chain starts over. I feel like I have to hurt again to stop the hate. I begin to forget the regret and I crave the pain. You'd think I would remember how bad I feel afterwards but I donâ€™t - all I can think about is how much I want to hurt myself again. I donâ€™t know how to stop this. I cant. I donâ€™t control this anymore, and maybe I never did. Maybe I was just fooling myself all along, blindly going down the road of self-harm, not knowing how bad it could get. Maybe if I had known how things would go, how terrible Id feel, maybe I wouldnâ€™t have made that very first cut. Maybe. All I know now is that I need help. I cant beat this on my own. The only problem is...Im not sure if I can stop. Im not sure if I could learn to live without this. It's my best friend and it's my worst enemy. And I love it so much, but I hate it just the same. I need to want to get better, but I donâ€™t know how to get to that point. It's all just too hard. Instead of making me stronger...all this pain has made me a coward, it's made me weak. So very weak. How do I get strong again? How do I learn to love myself rather than hurt myself, rather than hate myself? I donâ€™t even remember what it's like to love myself anymore. I need help.
It's sad to realize that for two plus years, Ive become addicted to hurting myself. It's sad to realize that I cant get myself to stop. And it's sad to realize that I dont want to stop. I never wanted it to be this way, I never wanted to become something so messed up and hopeless. I never knew things would be this way, I never knew I wouldnt be able to control this. I never knew I wouldnt be able to stop, and I never knew I would love it so much. I feel like Ill never be able to get over this, and I just cant imagine my life without self injury. I should have listened to all those warnings on the webpages I read about this stuff. I should have listened to what I was reading, but I didnt. And I made that very first cut. My first cut was nothing at all. A slice of my finger with a disposable razor. Nothing at all. Those nothings happened a lot, but not enough to seem like a big deal to me. And then those nothings became shallow slices with the shears of scissors on my arm. Those shallow cuts would heal in a week, leaving behind nothing but the fading memories. Those shallow cuts then became deeper cuts, ones that bled and stayed longer. Then those cuts became gashes, gashes made with a pocket knife. They scabbed, and I would open them again. Those re-opened gashes left purple scars. I continued the gashes and then I added more slices with a razor blade, those left behind white scars, lots and lots of scattered white scars. Soon the razor blade moved to my knee, leaving slices and white scars on my knee cap. Now I have moved on to burning by use of salt and ice. Five hard and heavy burns to the inside of my wrist, leaving angry, red burns painful to the touch. Next two more were made on my left wrist. And then four to my stomach. Where does it end? It never does, I dont have limits anymore. I had always sworn that I would keep it shallow and it would stay on my left arm. But I was wrong, and I had lied to myself. Two years later - I have done more than I would have imagined. Im lost within myself, a prisoner to my depressing thoughts and my self-harming ways. Would you want to be me? Would you want to run to that knife, or to the salt and ice whenever soemthing went wrong? I sure hope not. I would give anything to give this up, to make it all go away. But I cant. I JUST CANT. Im addicted to this pain. How many of you are like me? Do you too feel hopeless, lost within your addiction? How many of you are one step away from starting this terrible way of living, one step away from making that first cut, that first burn? Could you still do it even after reading my story, could you? I hope not. I pray to God, that you cant. You dont want this sickness. This isnt a way of life. It's a way to kill yourself...slowly. Not physically, but you kill yourself mentally. You break down piece by piece, hoping that one day you dont shatter completely. Im scared of that day , and I never want it to come. I want to find a way to live without this, but I dont think I can. There's nothing like this. You could search and search, but you'd never find something that gives you the same high after you self-harm. But the price for that high is BIG. You pay with your sanity, you pay with your LIFE. You give everything up to feel that high, until it's all you CAN feel.
I cant stop this cycle, and I think that I want to. I want to be able to deal with my problems normally, instead of slicing myself up, or burning myself until I cry. I want to be able to talk out my emotions like the normal kids can, that's all I want. But I just dont fucking know how. I love you, Self-Harm. BUT I FUCKING HATE YOU. YOU STOLE MY LIFE, YOU TOOK IT AWAY, AND YOU WONT GIVE IT BACK.
I hate you...
and I love you...