A Glimpse of My Soul - A Letter
Dear Anyone and Everyone,
Sometimes I wish I could stop. Find a normal way to deal with my emotional pain and problems but I dont think I can. Im addicted to hurting myself. Or at least Ive convinced myself that I am. It's a rush, and self-harm to me is like drugs to a druggie - I love it...but I hate it too. Over the 2 years or so that Ive been doing this, Ive pushed my limits farther and farther. The things I said I would never do, Ive done them. I love the anticipation of the pain I get just before I put the blade to my arm or before I touch the ice to my salted skin. I love the stinging and tingling feelings while my skin is being tortured and then I love the numbing sensation I feel afterwards. There's nothing like that sensation. It's satisfying...so satisfying. But that feeling goes away. And Im still craving it. So I do it again. And again and again until I cant take it anymore. Not long after, the regret sets in. And that's when I hate myself more than anything or anyone. And I cant stand it. That's when the chain starts over. I feel like I have to hurt again to stop the hate. I begin to forget the regret and I crave the pain. You'd think I would remember how bad I feel afterwards but I dont - all I can think about is how much I want to hurt myself again. I dont know how to stop this. I cant. I dont control this anymore, and maybe I never did. Maybe I was just fooling myself all along, blindly going down the road of self-harm, not knowing how bad it could get. Maybe if I had known how things would go, how terrible Id feel, maybe I wouldnt have made that very first cut. Maybe. All I know now is that I need help. I cant beat this on my own. The only problem is...Im not sure if I can stop. Im not sure if I could learn to live without this. It's my best friend and it's my worst enemy. And I love it so much, but I hate it just the same. I need to want to get better, but I dont know how to get to that point. It's all just too hard. Instead of making me stronger...all this pain has made me a coward, it's made me weak. So very weak. How do I get strong again? How do I learn to love myself rather than hurt myself, rather than hate myself? I dont even remember what it's like to love myself anymore. I need help.
I DO NOT GO ON HERE ANYMORE. I HAVE LEFT THIS PLACE FOR GOOD AND DON'T INTEND ON COMING BACK. PLEASE DON'T FRIEND REQUEST ME, PRIVATE MESSAGE ME, OR ANYTHING BECAUSE I WILL NEVER SEE IT AND YOU'LL NEVER GET A RESPONSE. THANK YOU.