Re: it's like a chain reaction!
it's been 8 days since katie killed herself. it doesn't really seem like it has been that long. or maybe it seems like it has been forever. i don't know. i feel like i have been floating through this past week, not really knowing what has been going on, not really caring. at katie's funeral i had to give the eulogy, because she had no one else really close that was still alive and i started to cry in the middle of it. i was sad that so many people showed up for her funeral, but never bothered to tell katie that they cared for her when she was still alive.
i can't bring myself to cut anymore. i am afraid that if i do i will make the decision to kill myself, and i don't want anyone else to hurt. so i have been running. i run everyday until i am so tired i can't go on. then i rest and run some more. my mom says i'm trying to run away from my problems and my feelings. she might be right i'm not sure.
i don't want to die, but my life is so messed up right now. i don't want to hurt anyone else, but i'm hurting them anyway by isolating myself and not talking to anyone. so i think what is the point? is it better to die when i know that people will eventually get over it, or is it better to live and hurt people around me constantly because i can't bring myself to talk to them. i don't like feeling like i am being smothered and like i am drowning. it terrifies me that i feel so depressed all the time.
i can't even talk to my therapist anymore. the words won't come out. she says in a couple of weeks she is going to try me on some meds, but she wants to wait and see if my depression will lift any. i don't know.
i know that i just want kris and katie to come back, so i can stop feeling this way. i just want them back so much. i miss them so much...