Re: it's like a chain reaction!
the viewing for katie is tomorrow. it's going to be really hard to go to that and see her there, dead. i guess i just have to remember that that isn't really her.
last night i was feeling really down and depressed and lonely. i tried to read for awhile because that usually helps, it didn't work. i went on a 3 mile run, that didn't help. eventually i just cut myself. i gave in. i chose to do this to myself. i didn't want to feel bad anymore. i didn't right after, but i did when i woke up this morning and i still do. oh well i guess.
my mom made me go see my old therapist today. they are concerned that i will kill myself just like kris and katie did. i tried to explain to them that i don't want to die, really, just feel better. my therapist asked if i had cut and i told her yes, and she looked really concerned but i convinced her it was a one time thing, i wasn't doing it anymore. she knows me better than that, but i think she just didn't want to stress me out more. she is a good therapist. i really like her. so she is making me go in 3 times a week after school and i have to get body checks. which is normal. i've had them before. all i have to do (if i choose to cut some more, which i don't want to) is cut where they aren't allowed to look. upper thighs, stomach, basically anywhere that my clothes aren't covering, besides my arms.
i miss katie so much. it was weird not to call her like i usually do. she was alwyas done with classes at noon, so when i got home from school i would call her before she went to work and we would just talk. so it was weird not to have that today.
i'm going to go now. i didn't mean to write this much, sorry.