i know what you mean
it sucks and it sucks even more when you have no reason for being depressed. depression kind of leaves and after shock.
that you have to clean up, now i know you dont want any help but i think you should try counseling therapy or something like that it can maybe help you get over your moms abusive boyfriend, or anything else that may be in your past that you need to work on.
just consider it.
hope you feel better