i was upset stressed, quit cutting and i didnt know what to do,
so i went out and did K behind my boyfriends back.
i know how bad the drug is spare me the lectures, it was a mistake.
so it was two days ago, and i didnt want to lie to him anymore. so last ngiht we were in a fight about him being controling [ironic i know] and i spat it out.
he freaked out. obviously i expected him to, its just i've never seen this side of him.
he yelled, he asked me how could i do something like this to him, hurt him like this. he said i must not love him otherwise i wouldnt have gone out and hurt him like this.
so i tried to explain [not justifye what i did but] that i didnt know what to do, and i didnt do it to hurt him, i did it to hurt me. i didnt go out think "hey, lets hurt chris" and that he doesnt understand that sometimes i just dont want to live, its hard to cope with. he kept yelling saying it drives him insane the thought of me sniffing K.
so he had to go home, but we talked on teh phone for three hours:
i made some promises [which i intend to keep]
1. no more lieing
2. call him when i want to hurt myself [even thought this doesnt help]
3. no more K or any other drug like coke or morphine
4. no extacy for at least a month then we'll talk.. [hes being a little nicer because he knows i used to be addicted i'm still kinda am]
5.if i do K again, we have to break up.
hes also saying that i owe him, big, that there has to be some repercussion.
[even though last night we agreed the the emotional state i'm going through knowing i hurt him and shit is oretty good punishment]
i'm not sure if this is ok, i wanted to get some other peoples opionon, its right that he wants me to have a punshment or whatever right?
i dont know... i'm really confused,
oh ya and
when we were in teh fighting mode about it, he was saying some hurtful things,
and then he said
"dont tell me you went out to do K to hurt YOU, because it doesnt, it hurts me and you KNOW that and then you hurt because you hurt me."
and then a thought popped into my mind,
...maybe since i've stopped cutting, i've started to find ways to hurt myself by hurting ones i love"
if thats true i dont know what i'm going to do.