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Old December 9th, 2006, 12:54 AM  
Fiending_the_freedom
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Name: Tegan
Join Date: December 15, 2005
Location: Canada.
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Blog Entries: 96
Unhappy i'll end up dead if i dont change { A VERY LONG POST BUT ITS MY LIFE, I NEED HELP]

[THIS IS A LONG POST PLEASE READ I NEED SERIOUSE HELP]



ok so i'm dead seriouse.
i had a breakdown.
kiek an acual one.
and a break through...
i'm going to stop cutting.
i'm going to quit all drugs and alchohal [except after i'm done in court all together, tehn i'm just going to smoke weed.]

ok so this is going to be a long post.
i got arrested on wednesday.
put in handcuffs.
got read my rights,
put in a jail cell
for six hours before they relesed me to my dad.
so i'm going to explain what happeneed the nigth i'm getting arrested for doing.

me,
birttany [my best friend and ex girlfriend, i NEED this girl to live]
Mike [ my ex boyfriend who is also one of my best firends, i hang out with him EVERYDAY and can talk to him about anything, even my boyfriend now, i've even seen him cry]
Chris [ my boyfriend, this is the first relationship i've EVER been truley happy in, he treats me like gold and loves me, its not lies, i didnt think love was real...i belive it now]

so its friday, were drinking, abnd we have to get out of my friends hosue because his dad wanted us to.
so we walk around and see our old school, so chris and mike liek the boys they are, like to clomb things, ANYTHING so we went of teh roof of bowmore, nto totaly stupid, we just needed a place to go.
tehn chris relizes that the window of the school is open, so we clombeed into teh caffiteria.

ok thats stupid, and i'm dissipointed at myself for nto relizing it was stupid at the time,
at the time i was just focusing on how cold it is, and for some reason [all hopnestly] it didnt seem at all stupid at the time.

[ok so please PLEASE dont jsuge me on this next part, or if your going to, please dont reply to this]
so we were drunk and me and brittany went topless cuz it was hot in tehre, bt NEVER showed our boobs, jsut walked around with our hands covering them,
we've never doen anything like that before, like were not sluts, but it was just mike and chris!

so i had a camara, and we took two picstures beide the caratieria specials,
one of me and brittany together with our hands over our boobs,
the otehr with chris in the middle trying to look like a pimp with me and brittany covering our boobs with our hands still.
then we put on our shirts and laughed about it and i told them i'm earasing these in the morning.

ok so then mike started getting all the tussise paper decorations from teh walls of the cafateria in a pile and i heard him mumble "fire time"
[hes a pyro]
now mike isnt a bad kis, at all if you met him you'd think he was the most innocent kid in the wrold, hes just gone therough some very bad shit in his life, his mother died a few years ago then bhis father became an alchoholic and he had to live iwtht his friend, now he lives back with his ada and his dad doesnt drink anymore.

so i say: your an idiot, if your lighting a fire i'm OUT of here!
so i grab brittany and we get out of the window and as were trying to get down from the roof a dog walker walks by and says "OMG is that a fire in tehre?" and i said "yea, go call the cops" and me and brittany started running and mike a chris left 2 secs later and ran with us and we all went home.

so on wednesday i open the door and imeedently are cuffed by the cops and read my rights.
it was mother fucking scary.
i'm not a bad kid.
i jsut make really stupid decisions.
i'm beign chraged with breaking and entering and arson: damage to propety [the fire thing]

so they tell me chris brittany and mike are already arrested and are in the cops station, but i cant see them.
i get stripped searched, fully.
i get put in a cell.
by myself.
concret walls.
big metal door with no handel
with only a tiby windeow they closed.
they left me there for 6 hours.
i had nothing to cut with because they took everything in my pockets away and my shoes and ajket or anything with string on it.
6 hours may not seem llike a long time comapred to anything eles that happenees when you get arrested.
but it was a fucking long time.
i cried for most of it.
passed out from hiting my head on the metal seat for a little,
did some push ups.
then cried some more.
i mean i'm 15, i've already gotten arrested,
kicked out of my moms,
have a seroiouse drug problem,
failing school EXTREMLY bad.

how did i fuck up my life so bad at 15 and not even relize it?

so then they finally relaese me,
said they dont have to queation me because all three of my friends stories were the same and they know i want to go home.
they told me how they all told that me and brittany left before the fire but there still chrging me with arson.
wtf?
like i'm pleading guilty to breaking and entering, but i'm 100% my lawer can get arson off since the cops agnoliged and told me i knew i wasnt there.
my court date is january 17th [good its close!]
and i have to go to get my fingerprints done and photo taken on the 7th.
so heres the terms i had to sign to:
these are my rules till court is done [which may take up to a year]
:
1.no leaving the proince of ontario

2.no contact, direct or indirect [meaning msn or phone] with:
-chris [my boyfriend]
-Brittany[my best friend]
-mike [my otehr best firend]
[btw i go to scchool with ALL of them]

3.attend school, each and every class.

4. cerfew: be in place of residence 9pm to 6am unless with a parent.

5. no consuming drugs or alchohal

ok so.
can you see why i'm so overwhelmed, stressed and freaking out?
i really love my boyfriend, i've neer moved anymore.
and i'll die if i cant see my best firends,they help me cope.

so today i went to a party at mikes, brittany was tehre and chris for a little,
i'm on exctaacy right now, which is why i'm so honest and open.

i'm changing my life. this time FOR REAL.
i had a breakdown, a real one. then a break through.
i need to quit drugs. i need to quit ALL drugs even weed. at least untill court is acually like done, closed, and i'm getting good marks in school, if i start doing good in school i'll let myself smoke weed on the weekeneds.

i need to start changing my attidute and how i cope and how i think.
i called my therapist's office and left a msg aploigizing for avoiding her for three weeks [she told my paretns i used to cut and i got mad]
and said i need to make an emergency appointment tomorrow.
i need to let this ALLLLLL out.. i'm acaully goign to print this out and give it to her jsut in case i cant be so honest with her, because the only reason i'm so open now is because i'm on extacy now.
i need my parents to know how bad the drug addiction is.
i need to stop.
i dont want to be put in rehab, but if i cant stop after all there help then i guess i need to be put in it.
i'm going to set up for my mom and dad to come to a session on sunday with me, and i'm going to get her to tell them everything, if i'm going to change they need to know everything.
i told my dad i want him to drive me to therapy tomorrow.
i called my sister and told her to come over tomorrow at 10 and make me go to therapy if i say i dont want to.
i told my brother that llives here [not ryan the asshole] to wake me up and tell dad he needs to force me to go.
and i called my mom and asked mer to come to a session with me on sunday.

so i called kids help phone and talked for a long time.

and now i'm just worried becuase,
once in a while i'l get really motivated to change my life, then the next day i never go through with it, but now, i'm like at rock bottom, if i dont change my life now, i could wind up dead, or in juvie.

but after i got off the phone with kids help phone, after i made all these plans for my family to force me to go to therapy,
i'm chickening out,
i had a panic attake,
i started hyperventilating and coulnt breath and my heart was beating really fast,
i dont want to do this but i need to.
i'm runing my life i'm tellingmyself [scary part is, the part of my thats freaking out saying i'm runing my life is that side that wants to do drugs and not fix this]
if i get good marks in school after court is done and i find new ways to cope with my problems and i do this, do you guys think its reasonable if i allow myslef to smoke weed on weekends? i mean, because i only smoke weed for 4 reasons:
1.its fun
2. to help with depression
3.a social thing
4. relaxing, i'm a hyper kid, it amkes me mellow

and weed isnt physically addicting, its VERy RARLY emotionally adddciting, which thats what i have, so if i change and find ways to cope, i think its alright if i smoke, i mean there are a lot of adults i know that have just fine lives that smoke weed just to relax.

so anyways, i'm really scared for this change,
its going to be SOOOO hard.
feedback, PLEASEEE.

W a r n i n g: Too Many Thoughts Could Lead To An Explosion.


--Tegan
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