well at the moment I am sitting at home drunk infront of ,y computer typing this fucking stupid message.
I am not sure how it all started but I think it has something to do with the way I feel my parents treat me. For a long time I always thought money dosent give you happeniess was aline thought up by a poor man. but it infact is true.
The way I feel is not improved by the million or so my dad earns a year but the way I feel I am treated in this family.
Today around 6 oclock I had a complete meltdown. for a long time now I have been unhappy with my self and my family. I am a latebloomer and have had testostrone shots about 6months ago but still am just getting a single armpit hair and way only a misley 47kg at 16years and 1month. I went into a deep depression about this and my parents seperating for while last year. and altough I am not as bad as I was then I don;t think I have ever recovered.
I truley don't think my parents like me, they may love me deep inside but i dont think they love me in the esecence of the word. They show so much more care to my brother than they do to me and I feel so un-appriceated.
yesterday me and my dad had a big fight in the car when he criticised my driving, which I feel is him just being on edge from stopping drinking for a couple of days after being an alcoholic (he would drink nearly 2bottles of wine per night). anyway I was sitting in my room wathcing family guy and came out to get dinner which was pasta take-away. I got into a fight with my parents iver eating in my room basicaly altough my feelings I have been botteling really just did explode.
At first I just broke down but the I id explode I am suprised at what stopped me from smacking my mum across the face.
after hit the wall with my arm and kick things in my room my dad tryed to restrain me but I escaped and ran while running through my huse I saw my mum and I spatt food out of my mouth and threw it at her yelling 'pig'. I then ran into my back yard which ajoins to a primary school via a gate. I ran into the school in a fury of angry not sure what to do. I saw a metal bin and I tipped it over and started smakcing myself in the head with it untill there were big WWE stlye dints in it i turned it around and hit my self repeadetly with it in the head. With each hit I began to become more wobbely to finnaly i colapsed.
I rember seeing my dad and brother over me trying to talk saying stuff like "go call the ambulence" but I was speachless just my hate for my family was released like a 100000 tine pile of dirt out of a truck but it began to bottle again.
As my bro and dad walked ran to the house I bailed. running onto the street with my bro in hot presute. I just ran till I was tired and he caught up.
I yelled at him threating him, he got angey and was yelling "WTF is wrong with you, your fucking mental" i told him to fick off or ill fuck him up. I walked off. I walked to a beach on sydney harbour where I stole a little row boat that wasnt tied up. I paddled out onto the harbour with my hands trying to find a boat to sleep on. I found a catareman but got bored and went to other boats. I found another 32ft yacht which I was able to get into. in that i found a bottle of port which i took.
I then proceded to the shore drinking my port. I saw people that were looking for me including locals and securtiy gaurds (about 2-3have passed since i left). I walked around this suburb getting drunk for a hour (had about 5.5 drinks-but rember i only wat 47kg or 104pnds) I then ran back to me dighny with these ppl looking for me and paddeled out I saw them on the shore with a police car rocking up. I paddeled to the cataremean again and climed into a open hatch and then onto a bed wishing I hadn't drunk as much.
I fell aslepp and woke to a police man yelling my name shing a light in me.
He asked me whos boat it was to which i repleyd I dont know.
he mad me get on the police boat and ht etook me to shore where my dad and 4 policemen were waiting.
THey wanted to take me to the hospital for some reason but they didnt.
these bloody cop keep asking what had happened excpecting me to tell them. As if I would i didnt even know there names. my dad said he would take me home. I went with my dad putting the dighy i took on his roof. we then took the dighny back to the beach where i got it.
where i gto into another argument with him. I went to storm off but while swiging a wooden door thing open I smashed my knee with it causing me to colapse and the piece of wood on the door to break off.
after re coperating I walked home (only 5minutes walk) and came to my room and wrote all this.
I said repeated times during this ordeal to myself that I can not live at home anylonger. And mabey this is true. It will be something I have to disscus woth my parnetns over the next few days
but one thing is for sure, I can no longer live like this.
Thankyou If you have read this far,
I am drunk so excuse the spelling.but I juast need to get this out somehow.
thankyou for caring,
I got home around 12:30
but I would have been home tmmrw moring if it wern't for the cops finding me.