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Old December 5th, 2006, 10:23 PM  
schrei jess
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Join Date: October 5, 2006
Age: 25
Gender: Undisclosed
Default Im about to lose my mind

I cant take this anymore...I cant handle all of this shit day after day after day!

I have severe clinical depression, had it for 3 years almost, and Ive said this so many times but I feel like if I have hear one more person ask me why Im so down, or see one more person fake cut their wrists in front of me, I will literally just die. It's just too much. Im a 15 freaking year old girl, I cant handle all of this. Most adults dont even have to deal with this, ever!

All the medicene I take, you'd think Id feel at least a little better but I just dont. I take effexor, zoloft, and Im supposed to take welbutrin but it smells bad so Ive kind of...stopped taking it, that's bad I know - but I know for sure it isnt the reason I feel this bad. I was feeling the same way before they even prescribed it for me. I feel like why am I even taking all these chemicals when they dont do anything for me? Like that freaking retarded Linkin Park song, Ive become so numb. I cant feel anything but sadness.

And I think Im seriously losing my mind. Im like going OCD (not for real, I dont think) but, the littlest errors make me crazy. I was working on a project with a group the other day - we were painting this banner for a Renassience Fair, it was supposed to have a quote from Romeo & Juliet (we got "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.") WHY DID WE HAVE TO GET THE LONGEST ONE? That is way hard to paint on a freaking sheet! I am such a neat freak when it comes to art, and everyone was way screwing it up - their lines werent thin enough, they smeared paint everywhere. I got so upset I had a panic attack and almost fainted. I cant work in groups like that, I cant let other people do things - they just mess it all up.

And my cutting problem is worse too. I had never used a knife before, but recently I found a really sharp pocket knife, and I carry it everywhere. Even to school with a handful of bandaids just incase I have to do it there. And on days I forget, I have this bottle cap and I can dig really deep into my skin and it will make a circular cut. I cant be around people without going insane and wanting to cut more and more. They dont understand, the more they say the more I want to cut.

I dont know what to do, nothing is working and every day I get worse. I know ya'll cant really fix this for me or help much, but I cant leave this inside forever. Im feeling like the only way any of this can end is if I die. Dont worry, I know suicide isnt the right choice - Ive been down that road so many times, I know it isnt going to fix it, it will only spread the depression to everyone else. But I just want to go to sleep & never wake up. I pray that Ill die in my sleep every night, knowing it wont really happen, but still wishing.

I DO NOT GO ON HERE ANYMORE. I HAVE LEFT THIS PLACE FOR GOOD AND DON'T INTEND ON COMING BACK. PLEASE DON'T FRIEND REQUEST ME, PRIVATE MESSAGE ME, OR ANYTHING BECAUSE I WILL NEVER SEE IT AND YOU'LL NEVER GET A RESPONSE. THANK YOU.
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