Hey Bri, missed ya.
I know that im doing better than i have in the past. 3 years ago i couldnt go more than 3 1/2 hours with out having withdrawl symptoms from cutting, and now i just have urges. but it still kills me that im not done with this.
I'm sorry this may seem harsh but you can't be "just done with it." The urges are going to be there for a really long time. An example - an alcoholic. They can't just throw away their urges to pick up a bottle, they fight it. They have urges every day of their lives, but they choose to fight it, as much as I hate to say it, it's an addiction. Hun, cutting's the same way, the urges are going to be there but you have to find something else to do it relieve it other than picking up that razor, another outlet.
Your counselor is there to help you, how can she if she believes that you're doing great when really you're not? I was the same way with mine, she thought I was doing great, and I'd walk in there with a bright looking mask on and talk about school and other stuff that I really didn't give a shit about, until one time I walked in there too tired to fake and handed her a notebook. It read how I felt and I went to the hospital after she read it. I was shaking so bad and I couldn't even look at her and she called my dad and he drove me there. Not long after that I crashed again and my dad tried to be there and comfort me and the next day I packed my bags and moved out. Now I'm living with a friend of mine from work, and doing better but I still think about cutting every damn day. Now I pick up the razor about once a month, nothing compared to before, I haven't cut deep since I moved out, but still it's not good enough.
Bri, hun, you haven't let them down though, they know that it's hard for you, and I bet they're proud as hell of you for how good you have been, let them know and they can help you.
No matter what I love ya, okay? Take care and hang in there.