Nothing makes me happy anymore.
Basically the title sums it up.
All the hobbies, activities etc. that I once enjoyed are boring and hated by me now. It just seems that even staying alive is hard by just waiting out the time. Hanging out with my friends is no longer fun anymore. Sometimes I think I'm having fun, then I just think, 'What happens after this?' The answer is me sitting here on my computer listening to music with my head in my arms on my desk for hours until I fall asleep.
Sleep is the only thing I enjoy now because no one expects anything out of it and my dreams can lead anywhere and remind me of when I was once happy, but now even my dreaming has ceased. I don't know but I just don't anymore.
Every morning I wake up regretting that I have to live through another day and sometimes I cry showering wishing everything would just go awat and I'd be left alone, isolated.
I contemplate suicide every now and then, but being the Atheist I am I fear what really is on the otherside awaiting me, so I never end up doing it even though the all the lethal drugs my parents own (both nurses) are looking quite nice.
I always feel alone, cold, and get shivers down my spine thinking about it. My friends don't seem to care for me, my family would just shrug it off and forget it in a day if I died and no one else I know probably wouldn't even acknowledge that I have become deceased.
And there is only one bright spot in my life. Her name is Erica and I've been friends with her most of my life. I love her unconditionally and she is the only person I have any emotion for, but the situation is there's a communication barrier between us. I can't explain it but either of us just can't stare eachother in the eye or talk to eachother when I expressed my true feelings for ber a year ago. We only talk online and on the phone occasionally because her friend forces her to when they call me, but through this we have gotten to know nearly everything about eachother. Apperantly she has feelings for me (not sure if they're as strong as mine) but I just want to be able to talk to her and make the relationship work because I want to be with her forever. And I even feel our somewhat of a relationship is slipping away. If she's out of my life I just don't know anymore...
So I just wanted to get all of that out and hope I get some help from you guys. It seems this is the only place I can tell anyone the level of depression I'm in without being ridiculed and called emo/both/you name it.
If you've read all this, thank-you.
Last edited by `Decadent; October 30th, 2006 at 07:59 PM.