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Old October 23rd, 2006, 08:50 PM  
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Join Date: September 10, 2006
Location: U.S/ Minnesota
Age: 26
Default Re: I dont even recognize myself anymore, WHO AM I?

Originally Posted by Weeping Willow View Post
Somedays Ill be thinking..."Who the hell are you and what have you done with Jess?". Everything is so messed up right now, how did it get this way? Im not the person to ask.
Don't worry things will only get better
We are here for you. I think you just need sombody to talk to.

I have so many problems, I cant even figure out which to deal with first. So lets see, I have been diagnosed with depression since I was 11 or 12, Im now on zoloft and welbutrin. I am self harming, I have cut myself and still will if I get very desperate, my cuts are not deep - they are small, and up until now were always in the same spot. I guess I was just too afriad of having more pain, but the cutting only caused more pain, it made me hate myself...and I still do, dont think I can ever learn to like who I am.
Things can only get better. Maybe you are putting exsess stress on yourself?
Talking to a counserler could realy help they are trained to help you. I
have a secret obsession with food, it isnt an eating disorder...yet. I feel like every time something goes into my mouth, other than applesauce...dont ask why, I get fatter and fatter by the second. Im huge and not just in weight, I am 5' 10" and weigh 140 lbs. and even my feet are big, size ten in womens. I used to be able to wear size 5 but I keep getting bigger, now Im a 7 and Im deathly afraid of growing even more. Somedays I will convince myself that I dont need food, today is one of those days, right now my stomache is begging for food...but what most call pain, I call weakness leaving the body. So I guess I might have some sort of eating disorder...its pathetic but I cant even make myself throw up I try everything, so all thats left is to not eat, and Im not giving it up, I want to be able to see my bones, bones are beautiful...WHY AM I SUCH A FREAK?!
You are not a freak. You probably have pressure from society to have the perfect body. Don't put exsess stress on yourself. Don't be afraid to eat as long as its good food. Food is good for you
Oh and one more problem, I think Im gay. Oh joy. Just recently Ive found something called 'yaoi' meaning Boys love, its japanese anime/manga. Why do I like watching guys kiss or hug? Why do I think this is deeply beautiful?
Well I think you might like watching gay GUYS better because you dislike womens bodys. Didnt you make another thread about being to modest about your body?
Another question I cant answer. I dont know why I might be gay, its hard to explain really...but I find same sex relationships beautiful, although certain things are not, and I need something beautiful...I need it. Or maybe Im bi, because I am still attracted to guys...straight and gay, I cant figure this out...its too confusing.
If your gay your gay, don't let society get you down just do whatever feels natural...
I just want to turn my mind off, sleep forever...die. I want to be free of all these problems and worries, I dont want to care anymore.

I feel lost and alone, and Ive got nobody to talk to. I need some help, God I need a miracle. I cant hold back my tears anymore, here they come...great. I want to die right now, but I know I dont have the guts to do it. I cant even think anymore...and I dont want to. I want to stop caring, I want to stop worrying about tomarrow. I need a break from life!!!!!!!
Whatever you do don't EVER think of killing yourself that is the worst thing you could do.
It would destroy your family. Please don't.
Wow you guys give lots of great help!!!

-_- Seriously please, I need to talk to someone.

My mom just made me eat, and now I feel so full, if I could make myself throw up...I would do it in a heartbeat but it doesnt work. No matter how far I shove my fingers down my throat, it wont work. I remember drinking hydrogen peroxide once, I threw up for the whole day, there's a solution
Please don't shove your finger down your throat its not good for you. Try cutting back little by little. .
Well hope this helps

War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature, and has no chance of being free unless made or kept so by the exertions of better men than himself John Stuart Mill
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