I've got nothing.
I faced the hard truth today : I have nothing.
I have no friends who'll stand up to me, no girlfriend to share experiences with, a false sense of pseudo self-reliance, and hell, I don't even have self esteem, only vanity that is vain in itself.
I have no future, since I have no talents. I can't draw, I can't sing, I can't play an instrument, I can't speak, I can't write, I can't cook. I'm not a leader, nor am I a follower. Now that I've learned everything that captivated me, now that I know everything about what interests me, I don't have any purpose in life anymore. The only thing I'm good for is a walking encyclopedia, like those robots you see in movies. That's how I feel like : a robot, engineered by its own blind convictions, a servant that doesn't want to be.
My mom wants me to stay in school, what good is it? I'm racking 90s (my average this semester is around 88 ), I don't even study at home, or work in class. School, a welcome challenge? How can it be a challenge when everything there is is mind-numbingly easy?
Yes, I do want to stay in school too, the only thing I live for is knowledge. That's the only thing that keeps me breathing. Too bad the path I've chosen forces me to give up tons of things, such as social contacts and love. Is it worth it? Can I still go back? Yes, and no. I think it is too late for me to switch ways.
I know things that escapes most people's grasp. Jolly, I know every country's capital by heart, and can be quizzed so. Oh look, I know Grimm's Law by heart too. Big flippin' deal, Tony, nobody gives a damn. I've learned that nobody cares about you unless you're another of these stupid, mindless drones. The same drones I despise, the same ones I love jeering at, the same ones I watch with a mocking eye as they fail their life. Am I not doing the same thing? Wasting my teens and failing my life?
I hardly have a "life". Yeah, I grew up watching Star Trek and Discovery Channel, I grew up playing D&D with equally nerdy lads in a squatted classroom. I sport glasses, of course. Ich kann sprechen 3-4 Sprachen. Not much for sports except running. I maintain good relations with teachers, and I've made bouncing balls in petrochemistry, and I've also once planned to put sodium in water fountains around school, until I remembered how dangerous the fumes were. I know pi to the 40th digit by heart. I bring my graphing calc everywhere, and I love calculating random stuff. The stereotypical nerd.
I'm not sure if I want a life or not. One thing is sure : I feel like giving up everything right now. Life doesn't challenge me. My life is boring. No thrills, hardly any fun. God underestimates my capacities and doesn't know what I'm made of. Hey there God, if You please, send me some more challenging stuff, please?
I need a hug.
Last edited by Jean Poutine; October 12th, 2006 at 05:01 PM.