Somedays Ill be thinking..."Who the hell are you and what have you done with Jess?". Everything is so messed up right now, how did it get this way? Im not the person to ask.
I have so many problems, I cant even figure out which to deal with first. So lets see, I have been diagnosed with depression since I was 11 or 12, Im now on zoloft and welbutrin. I am self harming, I have cut myself and still will if I get very desperate, my cuts are not deep - they are small, and up until now were always in the same spot. I guess I was just too afriad of having more pain, but the cutting only caused more pain, it made me hate myself...and I still do, dont think I can ever learn to like who I am. I have a secret obsession with food, it isnt an eating disorder...yet. I feel like every time something goes into my mouth, other than applesauce...dont ask why, I get fatter and fatter by the second. Im huge and not just in weight, I am 5' 10" and weigh 140 lbs. and even my feet are big, size ten in womens. I used to be able to wear size 5 but I keep getting bigger, now Im a 7 and Im deathly afraid of growing even more. Somedays I will convince myself that I dont need food, today is one of those days, right now my stomache is begging for food...but what most call pain, I call weakness leaving the body. So I guess I might have some sort of eating disorder...its pathetic but I cant even make myself throw up I try everything, so all thats left is to not eat, and Im not giving it up, I want to be able to see my bones, bones are beautiful...WHY AM I SUCH A FREAK?!
Oh and one more problem, I think Im gay. Oh joy. Just recently Ive found something called 'yaoi' meaning Boys love, its japanese anime/manga. Why do I like watching guys kiss or hug? Why do I think this is deeply beautiful? Another question I cant answer. I dont know why I might be gay, its hard to explain really...but I find same sex relationships beautiful, although certain things are not, and I need something beautiful...I need it. Or maybe Im bi, because I am still attracted to guys...straight and gay, I cant figure this out...its too confusing...I just want to turn my mind off, sleep forever...die. I want to be free of all these problems and worries, I dont want to care anymore.
I feel lost and alone, and Ive got nobody to talk to. I need some help, God I need a miracle. I cant hold back my tears anymore, here they come...great. I want to die right now, but I know I dont have the guts to do it. I cant even think anymore...and I dont want to. I want to stop caring, I want to stop worrying about tomarrow. I need a break from life!!!!!!!
Wow you guys give lots of great help!!!
-_- Seriously please, I need to talk to someone.
My mom just made me eat, and now I feel so full, if I could make myself throw up...I would do it in a heartbeat but it doesnt work. No matter how far I shove my fingers down my throat, it wont work. I remember drinking hydrogen peroxide once, I threw up for the whole day, there's a solution.
I DO NOT GO ON HERE ANYMORE. I HAVE LEFT THIS PLACE FOR GOOD AND DON'T INTEND ON COMING BACK. PLEASE DON'T FRIEND REQUEST ME, PRIVATE MESSAGE ME, OR ANYTHING BECAUSE I WILL NEVER SEE IT AND YOU'LL NEVER GET A RESPONSE. THANK YOU.
Last edited by Bobby; October 6th, 2006 at 04:27 PM.
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