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Old September 27th, 2006, 09:12 PM  
Jean Poutine
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Name: Tony
Join Date: September 27, 2006
Location: Canada
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 8
Default A blatant lack of friends and some more stuff...

Hi, my name is Alondite, and I lack basic social skills </AA>

Well since this is my first post here, hi. I turned 16 a week ago, and as you'll learn to know me you'll see I have my share of problems like everyone else. I'm from Québec, so I'm a frenchie.

No, seriously. A year ago I was diagnosed with SPD (Schizoid Personality Disorder), which in short, means I like being secluded from everyone, or used to. No cure possible, and the only reason I even went to get myself diagnosed is a mix of curiosity and parental pressure. I had, and still have no friends and never had a serious girlfriend. However, I used to be perfectly happy like this. I liked my solitude and didn't want anything to do with anyone (people make me anxious and I have a huge personal space that must be respected).

However, lately, I have been surprising myself seeking friends and more importantly a girlfriend. Now, I admit, I never liked the girls here : too talkative, loud, airheaded, dumb, stupid, and so on. I hated the boys even more : even louder, even dumber, vulgar, obnoxious, you get the thing. I've begun to "hang" around people a little more, grunted more than 5 words a day, and hell, even began dating girls (although only one caught my fancy, one who left me 2 days before my birthday).

I am, frankly, extremely disturbed by this sudden change of pace in my personality. I do not like people much but I still want them by my side ; I have a lot of difficulties trusting people and suddenly I want to commit to someone. I'm not supposed to : I have SPD. Yet I seem to mind their presence less and less, and it makes me a lot more depressed than I was when I was alone. I have the feeling they are unreachable : my ~12 years of seclusion made me forget about the art of making friends. I have zero social skills, talking to people drains my will to stick around and seeing my "friends" once a week is unthinkable, which further removes the probability of them becoming true friends, because they think I hate them which sadly is true.

My dilemma is : I want something I hate. I know that once I get friends and/or a girlfriend, I'm just going to push them away from me, to tell them to leave me alone because they choke me, to break a heart and make a bunch of people sad. I'm maybe cold, but I'm not totally insensitive : I don't really want to hurt people (even though some deserve it). I don't even like hanging around people that much. I just see people around me with their friends, laughing and having fun. I laugh so rarely I don't even have expression wrinkles yet. I smile only on pictures or to make people believe all is well. My eyes are a washed away steel grey that used to be a bright sky blue. Likewise, my hair darkened from almost golden blond to a medium brown. My skin is so white I could hide in snow. My whole physique and behaviour passes me as a true loner.

If I get friends, I'm only going to ditch them when I realise once again I don't like having friends, but if I stick in the status quo, I'm going to lead a seemingly unfulfilling life (although I liked my life as it was), and I'm going to keep having this existential debate which will eventually kick down my will to live and make me suicidal.

Any suggestions, perhaps? (except seeing a psy, I'm doing that).

Last edited by Jean Poutine; September 27th, 2006 at 09:15 PM.
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