Thread: questions
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Old September 14th, 2006, 04:53 AM  
Barelythere
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Join Date: September 11, 2006
Age: 27
Angry Re: questions

im sorry to hear times are hard for you atm hugs


god im at school rite now, just found vt isnt blocked on the school network!!! woohooo well thats the highlight of my day so far, im so stressed i cant consentrate which is reli effecting my work, im goin mad, i can barely stay awake but ive got this huge amount of energy inside me at the same time, i want to cut rite now like crazy, i want to slice up my arms so bad, but theres too many ppl and this school doesnt give you any privacy, ive got a blade with me, im so tempted to go to the toilet and just go mad with it, but i aint got any plasters and im wouldnt mind that but im wearing a white jumper do'h, my boyfriend says he doesnt want to speek to me atm, and is trying to get me to break up with him, so ppl feel sorry for him, he does this, but im not goin to, im stronger than that, i can cope, mayb not brilliantly but its still coping, i have to wait a week for the councellor, i dont think i can go thorugh a week of this again, i no im just complaining, and acting spoilt as everyone keeps telling me, but i just dont no what to feel anymore, i have this immence anger and hatered for everyone building up inside me, and its so hard to hide, i just want to scream, but im forced into acting happy again, i dont want to but, id rather that than happy ppl interfering in things that dont understand, i think id rather b seen as happy than called a moody little bitch like yesterday, i hate how abuseive sme ppl can b, got punched in the face yesterday, hurt, but i had to laugh it off, just got asked if i missed the guy who tried to force himself on me, had to say yes, coz ppl dont no, it kills me all this lying, i cant stand it or life anymore, my rents have agreed with my bf's mum that im depressed and they were talking last nite about how im taking after my gandma, who was a manic depressant for about 35 yrs, i desided i dont like being labelded like that with anything, but i do want help of sme sort, and if being labeled is how im gunna get that then i guess im just gunna have to have another label, just sitting here in the libary at school, im looking around, and these people, they make me sick, they lead such perfect lives, there biggest worry is that daddy wont buy them another pair of desiner shoes, or clothes, i dont sit in here, i cant pretend it anymore, i wish i went sme where normal, where i could find ppl like me not rich spoilt brats, im just so angry but i dont no why and its making me so upset at the same time, i dont trust anyone, my mum and bf are proberly the only ones i trust abit, theres noway im telling my bf anything more about me tho, hes using it all against me, making me feel like a shitty worthless selfish person, but ive realised hes that one being selfish, everyfucking thing is about him, even if its like how im feeling, h'll turn it round so its all about him again for another 2 hrs, he always has to b worse of than me too, why does he feel this need to belittle everything about me, ive totally lost my appitite and im not eating again,not that anyone will notice, you no what i really want my dad to hit me again, hard, i want him to hurt me, i want to channel all this anger towards him again, i want to scream at him and i want to feel smething the only thing i can think of is pain, so fine bring on the pain, i need to feel alive, coz atm i feel so subhuman, like im not even worthy of human emotions, im just being a blank face, i want to b able to cry to scream to shout and yell and laugh smile even talk with out this feeling that im stealing these emotions, that i dont deserve then, and im not showing them coz i dont feel like im allowed to show then, i hate the ppl that have done this to me, i should b allowed to feel, why tell me not to cry, why make me hide my emotions, cover your abuse, just keep smiling, why did you threatern me so much im still scared that you'll cme and get me again, why did you teach me not to cry, to hurt myself, to starve my self, what made you want to dot his to me, i was young i didnt understand, what did i do wrong, did i really deserve everything i got, like you said i did, did i really deserve all the mental, physical and sexual abuse you all gave me, what child desreves that, i mean really, what kind of sick fuckers are you, what makes you want to do that to sme one so young? i hate you with all my worth, i wish you all the pain you caused me, see how you like, let everyone see, then let them try and call me selfish, moody, spoitl, sheltered, well you no what fuck you all, i dont need these ppl, all they do is hurt me, i wanna cry so bad, it kills me not being able to, im really sorry this is so long and proberly wont make sence, im sorry i just had to rant, get sme of my feeling out, or id implode, sorry, just in general for being here wasting space, sorry, im just feeling sorry for myself, ahhhh too many ppl in my head, alll my emotions are seperated and fghting it out in my head, thats why this is all weirdd, sorry bout that and ne1 that reads this and slightly understands thank you for your time love xxxx
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