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-   -   Aggressive mother (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=2042453)

jessica653 January 2nd, 2018 12:55 PM

Aggressive mother
 
Hi, my mother has been extremely hot tempered for many years now and I'm looking for advice. As an example I'll explain the latest outburst that happened just now.

Due to a power cut, my mum told me to wait in her room which had battery powered candles. When she discovered I'd accidentally left the room with a candle on when the power returned she began screaming at me. I get that I was wrong to leave the light but her reaction was way over the top. I make no exaggeration that she was screaming her lungs out. I turned of the light and apologised honestly, but she then became even more angry that I hadn't also apologised for the fact that the TV was on. I tried to explain that it must have been left on standby by the last person to use it and it automatically restarted when the power returned. She cut me off and carried on yelling at me, accusing me of turning on the TV to spite her, before storming off and yelling at my dad for the mere existence of the power cut.

I know this sounds like a 'bad day,' but incidents like this happen on a daily basis in my house (yesterday she swore at me because a book on my shelf was facing the wrong way) and have greatly harmed my relationship with my mother. This was actually a minor incident, as she often makes very personal insults to me and my dad about our life decisions (to cut a long story short me and my dad are both introverts, and my mother tells me not to have children as I will spread my quiet disposition creating a child so needy I will be unable to work. She also mocks me for wanting to go into social work, telling me a career like that will be so low paying I will be forever dependant on her.) The thing about her accusing us of trying to spite her when minor mishaps happen is also a daily occurrence. Having a mature conversation with her about her emotions is pointless. She usually forgets even the most cold of comments she makes to me moments afterwards and accuses me of lying to (surprise, surprise) spite her. Even when she remembers she tells me what she says are 'home truths.' Sometimes she accuses me of being selfish by trying to talk to her about a topic that may cause her emotional distress. Talking to my dad provides temporary comfort but no long term solutions, he's terrified of her as well.

I really don't want to get anyone else involved, and I don't want to have to separate myself from her either. She's still my mother and I love her. How can I calm her down?

NudistFun January 2nd, 2018 01:02 PM

Re: Aggressive mother
 
You need to fashion the way you respond to your mother to make her think about her actions.

Ask open-ended questions when she gets like that.

IE What is making you so angry?

Did the house burn down because of the candle?

Is the TV coming back on worth all the energy you're putting into being mad right now?

What is really making you so angry?

How about we talk about it when you aren't so angry? (then remove yourself from the situation until later)

If you can be consistent then she'll have to examine her motives for her anger and possibly begin to change.

NewLeafsFan January 3rd, 2018 02:57 AM

Re: Aggressive mother
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by jessica653 (Post 3612360)
Hi, my mother has been extremely hot tempered for many years now and I'm looking for advice. As an example I'll explain the latest outburst that happened just now.

Due to a power cut, my mum told me to wait in her room which had battery powered candles. When she discovered I'd accidentally left the room with a candle on when the power returned she began screaming at me. I get that I was wrong to leave the light but her reaction was way over the top. I make no exaggeration that she was screaming her lungs out. I turned of the light and apologised honestly, but she then became even more angry that I hadn't also apologised for the fact that the TV was on. I tried to explain that it must have been left on standby by the last person to use it and it automatically restarted when the power returned. She cut me off and carried on yelling at me, accusing me of turning on the TV to spite her, before storming off and yelling at my dad for the mere existence of the power cut.

I know this sounds like a 'bad day,' but incidents like this happen on a daily basis in my house (yesterday she swore at me because a book on my shelf was facing the wrong way) and have greatly harmed my relationship with my mother. This was actually a minor incident, as she often makes very personal insults to me and my dad about our life decisions (to cut a long story short me and my dad are both introverts, and my mother tells me not to have children as I will spread my quiet disposition creating a child so needy I will be unable to work. She also mocks me for wanting to go into social work, telling me a career like that will be so low paying I will be forever dependant on her.) The thing about her accusing us of trying to spite her when minor mishaps happen is also a daily occurrence. Having a mature conversation with her about her emotions is pointless. She usually forgets even the most cold of comments she makes to me moments afterwards and accuses me of lying to (surprise, surprise) spite her. Even when she remembers she tells me what she says are 'home truths.' Sometimes she accuses me of being selfish by trying to talk to her about a topic that may cause her emotional distress. Talking to my dad provides temporary comfort but no long term solutions, he's terrified of her as well.

I really don't want to get anyone else involved, and I don't want to have to separate myself from her either. She's still my mother and I love her. How can I calm her down?

Does your father live with you? If not, move in with him at least until your mother gets help. She is clearly mentally unwell and is in need of urgent medical intervention. Allowing yourself to take this abuse is unhealthy. Letting her abuse you is making her think that her irrational behaviour is normal and acceptable, which it is not.

Like I mentioned, your mother is sick. But if your dad is mentally well and allowing this abuse to happen to you, then shame on him. She's sick. What's his excuse?

jessica653 January 3rd, 2018 05:01 AM

Re: Aggressive mother
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by NewLeafsFan (Post 3612719)
Like I mentioned, your mother is sick. But if your dad is mentally well and allowing this abuse to happen to you, then shame on him. She's sick. What's his excuse?

My father has depression and believes that he no longer has a purpose in life other than me and my brother. A lot of bad stuff has happened to him, including losing a sister to cancer. Whenever he witnesses my mum treating me that way he defends me the best he can, but that only causes her to turn on him and confront me later to accuse me of ganging up on her. What's more, he refuses to seek help for his depression because he believes no amount of counselling could aid him, and the only time he did seek therapy the therapist was no help and blamed the depression on the few areas of his life he was happy in. He really does do all he can, and if there was a way for him to stop my mother he would. She just doesn't listen to either of us. As for where he lives, he and my mother are still together, though he considers breaking up with her when I go to university. Seriously though I'm not at all ashamed of him, he is the most considerate person I know and does what he can.

NewLeafsFan January 3rd, 2018 02:36 PM

Re: Aggressive mother
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by jessica653 (Post 3612754)
My father has depression and believes that he no longer has a purpose in life other than me and my brother. A lot of bad stuff has happened to him, including losing a sister to cancer. Whenever he witnesses my mum treating me that way he defends me the best he can, but that only causes her to turn on him and confront me later to accuse me of ganging up on her. What's more, he refuses to seek help for his depression because he believes no amount of counselling could aid him, and the only time he did seek therapy the therapist was no help and blamed the depression on the few areas of his life he was happy in. He really does do all he can, and if there was a way for him to stop my mother he would. She just doesn't listen to either of us. As for where he lives, he and my mother are still together, though he considers breaking up with her when I go to university. Seriously though I'm not at all ashamed of him, he is the most considerate person I know and does what he can.

So in other words, both of your parents are unwell. Since your father suffers from depression, he is already dealing with a lot. That was an important detail.

All that I can say is that you need to take care of yourself which probably includes going to some type for therapy or counselling by yourself to learn how to handle your parents. Encourage your father to come with you. The better your understanding is of your mother's illness the easier it will be to deal with. Plz don't reply by saying that you don't know where to go or can't afford it. If you saw this as a serious situation you would try to make something happen through your school and/or a social worker of some sort.

ska8er January 3rd, 2018 04:56 PM

Re: Aggressive mother
 
I wouldn't confront her. Walk away
or go out til things cool. Seems like
each one of u gets on each others
nerves.


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