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Lukewarmbagels October 27th, 2016 08:03 PM

When my symptoms first became apparent it was really bad. I remember having dreams about death and destruction and losing everyone I love, largely influenced by external exposure to violence in the media, especially to do with the Syrian civil war. After those dreams I felt I bestowed a power and I had been wrongly chosen by God to decide the fate of the human race, even though I obviously wasn't capable and despite having no history of theism in my life. I'd spend days on end praying and praying desperately not to lose everyone I love and not for my dreams to come true. I became fearful of others reading my mind and stealing my thoughts and went to great obsessive extents to avoid contact with selected people I felt vulnerable to, such as my therapist or friends. I used to carry a small blade around and lock myself inside my house for days on end because I was constantly scared I'd be exposed and captured and killed, as if some kind of all powerful organization we're hunting me down as a "chosen one" and enemy of the devil. Now, my symptoms haven't dissappeared: I still strongly believe I am being followed or watched by someone and I often feel responsible on an entirely different level for everything bad that happens in the world, but I guess I've become immune to the anxiety that is a byproduct of that. I wasn't ever properly diagnosed but schizophrenia seems like the only suited explanation for it all but now I guess I feel as if I've been faking it.

cookie11 November 24th, 2016 10:46 PM

Re: Schizophrenia??
That seems like a really scary experience. My aunt is schizophrenic and I believe I read or heard somewhere that it doesn't develop until your twenties and I'm really scared I'll head down that path. Because often I feel like I'm being watched or followed or just genuinely scared someone will break into my home.:(

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