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Strange Quark July 19th, 2011 03:58 PM

Pure O OCD?
I think I may have Pure O OCD. For at least 1 hour during the day, I obsess. When I was figuring out my sexuality, I would obsess over whether or not I was attracted to guys. I would perform mental checks, if I caught myself looking at a guy I would try to think about a girl and make sure that I wasn't attracted to the guy. I eventually came to terms with the fact that I'm gay, so that obsession stopped. During that whole process and even now, I obsess over thinking that I'm sick. Many times I have almost convinced myself that I had arthritis, rabies, many different allergies, tetanus, cancer of many kinds, etc. I do the same "checking" for symptoms and I find little things that I latch onto as some kind of proof. I always know that I'm wrong, but I can't shake whatever I'm worrying about at the time. If I have a test, I think about all of the possible questions on the test and what could go wrong. It gets terrifying sometimes, especially when I was worried that I was a pedophile or when I'm worried about accidentally hurting someone. It usually also usually takes me about 2 hours after I start trying to go to sleep to actually fall asleep because I'm obsessing. It's been this way for as long as I remember.
I'm not always even worrying about something. Sometimes, I just get caught in a loop of mental rehearsal. For instance, I thought about posting something on here asking for advice many, many nights. I've typed it up on at least 4 different occasions with a couple of different new accounts, but I always exit out because I'm afraid. Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'm right and other times I'm afraid that I'm just causing myself pain by somehow wanting to have POCD. I also frequently mentally rehearse telling all of this to the psychiatrist that I went to when I was younger that helped me with my ADHD (which I haven't been medicated for since I was 13).
My parents offered to take me back to him when they noticed that I was overly anxious and my tics (which seem to come and go with my anxiety) were acting up, but I was afraid that I would explain myself wrong or I would just seem like an overly-dramatic hypochondriac so I told them no.
I think it may be Pure O because I don't really have many compulsions. I check my pockets to make sure nothing has fallen out and I lock doors but that's about all.
I just really want to know what's really wrong with me.Whether I have POCD or something else, I just want to know so that it's not a bogeyman in my closet that I think I can obsess away. Maybe if I can be absolutely sure of what it is, I will be able to deal with it without medication. When I took Adderall XR for my ADHD, I hated it, I felt like I was some kind of zombie. I worried that everything people liked and disliked about me was just the medicine. I felt dehumanized somehow, but I hate when other people aren't happy, so I lived with it because my parents, teachers, and psychiatrist saw me being calm as an improvement. I don't want to go through the same thing again.

AllThatYouDreamed July 19th, 2011 06:16 PM

Re: Pure O OCD?
Are you sure you're not a hypochondriac? It seems your obsessions are about illness if I read your thing correctly.

Though I understand it. I'll click on a particular topic and be stuck there for hours, or days. the only thing ive found that helps is going on about something COMPLETELY unrelated.
My obsessionlytraits are sexual, so i try to find a topic completely clean and free from perversion.[this. is. hard. I turned batteries dirty this afternoon :P]
try finding something non-medical?

Strange Quark July 19th, 2011 07:36 PM

Re: Pure O OCD?
I thought that I might just be a hypochondriac for a while, but unless I'm mistaken hypochondriacs believe themselves to be sick. I usually know that I'm being irrational, but I just can't shake the fear of it. I also don't just worry about being sick anyway. When I was younger, I was always afraid of my family dying, so I would check on everyone---which frequently startled them if I accidentally woke them. For a few years, I was kept up by worrying about being hit by a tornado, even in the winter. As I already stated, I also obsessed about my sexuality.
Unless I'm wrong, that's how POCD works. One has random disturbing thought and then obsesses about it's accuracy, whether one is capable of acting out the thought, why one would have such a thought, and/or worry about the inevitability of acting on it. One also feels the need to perform physical checks, such as needing to see that the oven is off; or mental checks, such as making sure one is not attracted to males/females/children. I've also read that many people with POCD latch on to society's fears. Many straight people worry that they are homosexuals even when provided evidence to the contrary, others worry that they are pedophiles after watching criminal shows and the news, and others worry that they will act on violent urges after reading about domestic abuse.
If I am just a hypochondriac, my thinking that I have POCD could be a product of that. Thus the cycle of worrying and confusion continues.

cmdexe July 20th, 2011 08:51 AM

Re: Pure O OCD?
Sounds like Pure O to me. I think it would be beneficial to see your school nurse or a doctor, depending on your age, maybe they could help when you're having a hard time. :) I get some of the same thoughts as you and it's helped me to talk to people about it =)

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