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Me and someone to talk to

Posted October 6th, 2012 at 10:22 PM by Joshua D. Boggess

Skyfall ~Adele

Im in it again, and im not recovering well. Im unhappy, depressed, weak. This song feels good right now, alone in the dark. Not too dark though, I get paranoid when its too dark. Im depressed still. It hasn't gone away and its been longer than I'd like. Ive given up in so many ways before and Im doing it again now. Its a damn hard thing to beat and I hate it. I don't want to be alive, I don't want to be gay. I don't know if I'll ever get past it. I need to talk but I have no idea what to say. I talked on friday with a friend who I dont talk to outside of school. She's Bi and her mom doesn't accept her and its been hard for her. I told her my situation and about how my dad has told me in detail how he wants me to kill myself. It was nice to talk with someone who knew what it is like to be gay. It was also nice to have someone I could talk to about those things. I cant talk about this with anyone in my family, I really cant talk to very many people about anything. I dont want to talk with anyone in my family about how depressed I felt before 9th grade because Im gay or how I cant just be happy with it now or accept myself. In my family we don't talk about our problems or negative things (unless its my parents screaming at us about our grades or something we did). When we have a problem, we deal with it. We take it on alone, do or die. I have to be tough infront of them. I could never be myself, I could never talk about being gay, or talk about anything really. I have never had much support besides myself. Even my mom and older sister dont get me. When I get up I like to do my hair, I do a number of things more like a girl and its just plain wrong to them. They can accept I like guys but god forbid I ever act gay. A man is a man and should be as men are because that is the way it is. It makes me extremely uncomfortable and I cant do anything about it. Im going to sound even weaker for saying this, but I need someone to talk to. I have been like this too long without anyone to go to, if I sound desperate its probably because I am.
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