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Andy the doctors prescribed me the pills, I know im not crazy iv just lost my will...

Posted February 4th, 2012 at 09:55 PM by love is louder
Tags feelings, ocd, rant

some of my irrational fears

BECOMING FAT
as I have said being fat again is my worse fear. I think about it at least every hour of every day. It is irrational I accept that but in my head it isnt. I know that I am happier when im thinner and are more likeable by other people.

GROWING OLD
even though it is at least (hopefully) still thirty years away. I still think about it a lot. I have had dreams for years about having restricted senses and they scare me. I have dreams where I am being blinded by the sun and I cant see. I have dreams where I cant moved my arms and legs and I have dreams where I cant communicate with people properly. This happens to some people once they get older and I dont think im going to be one of the lucky ones. I think this is why I am scared of old age. I think its because things that are happening in my bad dreams might be come reality. I could become blind or deaf or paralysed or not be able to speak and I fear that at that stage I will be too far gone to let someone know that I dont want to exist any more and I will die miserable and scared and alone.

DIEING
Old age nicely leading into irrational fear number three. This one doesnt seem so irrational until I explain. Every day I have visions of dieing most of the time in the most horrendous ways. Every time I get in the car I imagine 20 car pile ups that usually start with me running over a cyclist. I get terrible feelings that I do something to kill masses and masses of people. Including myself. I have visions of being trapped in lifts, on escalators, in any type of water. I am afraid of open water (the concept not the film). I have an actual zombie attack plan. But the worst, the worst times are when I go to the metro centre. I dont know why but the whole place just reeks of death. Glass spontaneously shattering on people, poisonous gasses. Tripping on a crack in the pavement and accidentally falling into hell. Random strangers in the street going on killing sprees. Wild animals. Food, food not cooked properly. Off dairy products. Bread. Vegetables sprayed with poison. I dismiss most of it as ive done it before and it hasnít killed me so im ok to do it again. Mostly I dont like being in crowds, parties even work now. Because I think that any one of them can literally stand up and punch me to death and then I think of the people id be with when I die and how I dont particularly like any of them and there again I will die scared and alone. I think that if I know all of this and still go ahead, like if I know I will kill someone and inevitable kill myself in a car accident that day and it happens will that technically be suicide? Suicides the worst one because I wont get into heaven, not that I believe there is one, but if I die and my 'soul' rises up to see 'saint peter' at the gates of heaven and he tells me to jog on because people who kill them selves arnt allowed in then what am I going to do. I am an organ doner so when I die they are taking everything but my eyes. Because in the bible your eyes are the window to your 'soul' and without them your soul will get trapped in your body and your consciousness will never make it to heaven. This is what goes through my mind on a daily basis.
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