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Intensely frustrating, but also really nice

Posted January 14th, 2018 at 10:45 PM by NeonBlueButterfly

Is there anything that combines happiness and giddiness with frustration more effectively than having a crush on someone when you can't act on it? I'm no stranger to having a crush on someone, but they are usually brief little fantasies that fade away quickly... or at least, they were until recently. This girl, though, she is different. She has been on my mind quite a bit since we've been talking.

She just makes me happy in a way that I didn't know was possible for me. I've never been a very happy person in general, and that only got worse when I found out how different I am from the people around here. But this girl seems to have a talent for making everything better just by being around. She's been responsible for every real smile of mine since we've met.

One of the more frustrating aspects of this that I also really enjoy is that she's either one of those girls who just has to touch you whenever she's talking to you, or she's flirting with me like crazy... I can't say I know for sure. If she sees me in the hall, she'll run over, put her hand on my arm, and start talking about whatever is on her mind. She always listens to whatever I have to say with this amazing smile, and won't let me leave without a hug (which I don't mind giving at all). There was one incident in the area behind the stage, where a piece of fuzz or something had gotten into my hair just above my ear, so she reached over to brush it out. She kept her hand there, like brushing my hair over my ear, and went on and on about how beautiful and soft my hair was, and all I could do was remind myself to breathe.

The problem is, it can't work between us, no matter how wonderful the fantasy is. If I admit my feelings for her, and it turns out she's just being friendly, then my secret is out, and she could pretty much ruin my life accidentally, or even intentionally if she were so inclined (I don't think she would, but having word get back to my parents before I'm ready has always been my biggest fear). If she is interested in me, then at best, we have a few months of sneaking around before I head off to college. Since my goal is to leave here and never return, that wouldn't be fair to her. Also, if we were to get together, she'd be at risk of being kicked out of our school, just like me, and I don't want to expose her to those risks. On top of that, I don't know if her family is anything like mine, and if they are, I definitely can't expose her to the risk of accidentally being outed then ending up kicked out of the house.

Of course, none of this stops me from wanting to pull her into the nearest closet and kiss her every time I see her. After that time behind the stage, when she went off to class, I had to sit there and remember how to breathe. I was thinking to myself that she HAS to know the effect she's having on me. I'm pretty sure my constantly grinning like an idiot around her gives it away. But, it's also possible that I'm reading way too much into this, and she's just being friendly with no clue as to what she's doing to my feelings.

I can't even get to sleep easily anymore because of her.

I suppose I need to find a way to get my mind off of her, but it's too freaking wonderful thinking of her. I guess I just need to be strong enough to not give in to the temptation to see how interested she is in me, get through my last couple of months here, and get the hell out.

It's not like she'd be my only chance at finding someone special, right?
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