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My life and my transition. A message to anyone struggling.

Posted April 18th, 2018 at 10:18 PM by Gwen

Everytime I come back onto this website it is like being physically slapped and also hugged by the overwhelming yet warm feeling of nostalgia. I like to think most the people who know or remember me have already left since I'm such an oldie nowadays. Guess it is just hard for me to leave for good, which speaks for itself how I feel about this place and the people who have been on it. Many years ago, I was just a l depressed kid from an abusive household and I found this place and probably went through 500 phases of personality and interests during it. This was really my only option for "normal" interactions at least in the city I grew up in. It got a million times worse when I decided about 5 years ago that I had enough with living as a male. It was really slow at first, I didn't have access to feminine clothing, hormones, supportive people in my life or even the freedom to have my transition recognised at first.

Eventually, I was not just able to start living with my sister after running away; I was also able to move to Australia after visiting it many times in the past (I'm originally from Sweden). It was a really good restart for me and I started attending school again but this time as a girl. Although that was a long fight with the school administration I'd rather not waste years going into the detail of. My word of advice to anyone trying to fight the same fight in the future, is to not give in and let all the shit and sterotypes. You dressing how you want harms NO ONE else, outraged parents and teachers can take their dumbass concerns and complaints all the way up to the School Board. People are gonna be snarky and assholes, as they are in every walk of life but at least this way there is some comfort with myself coming to school.
Now if you want to talk on how to deal with bullies that are going to be coming in the thousands? That is all a matter of self-confidence, mental strength and patience. There are many resources and threads on here on how to deal with bullying and harrassment at school so I won't delve into the details here. I implore you to genuinely listen to some of the advice on here and talk to people offering help, it was thanks to some of those people that I'm still alive today and glad to be myself.

School was difficult to say the least, mostly due to other people. Sadly I have many, many very vivid and clear memories of those days. A couple ruined camps, school events and enough "kill yourself" messages written on my locker, desk and even enough notes to file into a book. Eventually they got less and less bothersome as I got further into my transition, these days I still laugh on Facebook when the same pieces of trash who have no issue bullying a boy questioning their gender at 15 have no issue begging to date them at 20. I was able to start seeing a gender specialist at 16 and then after a voice therapist. By 19 I had started hormones, changed my legal name and started living in an apartment. Well I still feel like I'm at that stage even now, that I might've started to hit my peak even though I can look back at how massively I've changed. Not everyday is the easiest and it isn't like my transition is finished or that my dysphoria feels "cured". But at least now I am afforded relief when I can look in the mirror without crying and go out in public and live without anyone calling me sir or reminding me of my old masculine traits. I'm just left to be me and navigate my life in semi-peace. Even with this constant itch of self-hatred and dissatisfaction with myself, it feels like I can breathe despite of it. When it comes to dating, I have a lot of regrets but glad I was afforded the many experiences and chances that people have given me. I'm really glad that no matter how many shit people it seems there are, there will always be accepting and loving people ready to open their arms to someone like me so easily.

Outside of sexual encounters, I feel like I'm just a woman now. Not a trans woman. It took YEARS and so much struggling I always start to have anxiety about how I wasted my entire teenage life travelling towards this goal. But everytime I look down from this massive mountain I climbed, I couldn't be more happy that I did. I don't know how many people will read this, how many will even know who I am or how many people will relate to this random blog. I hope to anyone who at least fills in the last one makes it up to this point. Things will get better, be headstrong, make mistakes, embarrass yourself, don't bow down to double-standards and don't let someone tell you who you are and how you should live. It might take a decade, your entire high school and college/university life but just keep going on. For your sake and not anyone elses. There are just infinite times I felt like giving up would be the smartest move and I want to travel back and give myself a throttling. To anyone out there struggling, not just with gender issues but depression, bipolar, bullying, abuse and every other obstacle under the sun. Just keep struggling on, looking forward to climbing that impossibly tall mountain and don't give anyone the satisfcation of beating you down.

Even if it feels like nobody will support you or be out to cover your back, they are. The ratios for genuinely good people are a million to one, so treasure the friends who matter to you with that sort of respect. I might not be on here as much anymore but if you're out there and having issues in life, feel free to PM or Visitor Message me. I'm not a cool, relatable teenager anymore but I am glad to give my help to anyone who needs it.
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