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All bad poetry stems from genuine feeling,
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This isn't good bye, this is I cant stand you!..

Posted July 8th, 2012 at 10:00 AM by love is louder

So you sit in your bed at 2.41 in the afternoon, having only left my bed once at like eight this morning. Trying to distract yourself from getting in your car and driving to tesco to buy four billion bars of chocolate!
When you don’t eat for so long you start fantasising about food. You think about it all the time. You imagine being stood in front of your fridge (where all the best food is kept) and you imagine everything that is in there and the combination of meals you can make with it. You look at the time and think about all the fast food places that are open right this second and you try and work out how much change is left in your purse. You even start dreaming about food. I had a dream the other day about an eight pound burger and how much I wanted it. FYI I don’t even like burgers! You work out how much exercise/purging you will have to do to get rid of it and weigh up whether its worth it or not. You get up and talk yourself into making something small to eat like fruit or cereal. You convince yourself that it is just because your hungry and you don’t actually need all that chocolate, your brain is just trying to trick you, its working against you. But on the other hand you wont be satisfied until you have consumed disgusting amounts of that thing that you are “needing”.
So then you think a little of it wont hurt and you pluck up the courage to go downstairs and make that cereal or that bowl of fruit. Your scales catch your eye. And you are too curious not to check even though you only looked a few hours ago! If I lived in my own house I would put my scales directly in front of my fridge freezer and have to weigh myself every time I even peaked inside. You start doubting yourself and argue with the voice in your head that is strongly against what your about to do. You convince yourself with a load of negative calorie bull shit you read on the internet. You go down and make a bowl of fruit and go to carry it upstairs because you cant eat in front of anyone else and someone makes a sarcastic comment like “watch you don’t get fat”. And your world is suddenly destroyed once again! After fighting yourself since that morning, finally winning and still not being over joyed with the concept of food, convincing yourself that when you wake up tomorrow you wont have magically gained 10 pounds from eating a pound of food. And then having someone actually point that out to you you doubt yourself and can no longer face the thought of that bowl of fruit touching your lips. You play with it between your fingers until it is almost thrown across the room because in your now completely irrational state of mind you think the slime from that banana will soak into your skin and make you fat! And after that one flippant remark from someone obviously completely ignorant of your eating disorder you are back to square one.
You NEED that chocolate in a panic you go through the first steps again, twice to make sure, where is open? But now its not how much change do I have? But how much money can I get hold of? You think if the bowl of bland fruit is going to make you fat then fuck it you might as well enjoy what your eating. You start to curse the person that, less than ten minutes ago, made you feel like this. Then you realise it isn’t their fault its YOURS! You should tell them about your eating disorder and maybe situations like this wont happen. But then you hate yourself for how selfish that would make you and how much attention that would bring you so you don't tell. And you go through it on your own like you have for years. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. So its easier to just not. By the time you've had this revelation your half way to Tesco! You fully understand that this has gotten out of control but you no longer give a fuck. You think that you will just deal with the consequences when you can think a little clearer and that requires food.
Now your in Tesco, the place you dread coming, now and at any other time. You pull your cap down debate on whether to get a trolley or just a basket. You debate on whether you should stroll round the shop for a bit or dart straight to the back where the fat munch is. Should you put some healthy food in your basket first so people don’t look at you and see a fat monster loading up her basket with junk. Can you deal with them all judging you while your in this state? You realise that you don’t know any of these people and if you did they probably wouldn’t even recognise you in the state that your in. you almost forget that you have social anxiety until it hits you with one overwhelming swoop and you head straight for the isle that makes you gain weight by just looking at the ingredients. Loading your basket with chocolate and sweets avoiding eye contact with anyone there at all. Then you run to the self scanners so you wont have to interact with the fat cashier cursing you because “you can eat whatever you want and not gain any weight!!” this is also the time to curse yourself for not telling anybody. You exit the super market disgusted with how much you have just spent.
You get home storm straight to your room lock the door empty your bag out onto the bed turn off the light and switch on you telly to try and distract your mind from what your about to do. You get half way through the mass of food and you realise your not even enjoying it, counting chews has completely gone out of the window and your going against everything you believe in, this is crazy. You can feel yourself expanding as you see the colossal gap in the amount of food you have only just bought but you cant stop. Finally an hour or two later you sit back to reflect on what you've just done. You try and convince yourself it will be all right. And for a very short length of time your convince yourself that you are physically okay.
Until the food fully hits your stomach. Noises erupt from your abdomen, the noises that only happen when someone has just eaten. You dare not be in the presents of other people because you know they know what you have just done. Then comes the bloating, the kind that you have to loosen your trousers for. This is the worst feeling in the world. Far worse than feeling hungry/sick/mental. Its the feeling of being full. Not only in your tummy but you feel if you eat another bite then its going to over flow and you wont be able to get anything else in EVER. This feeling is not just physically uncomfortable but also mentally your racking your brain for a way to get rid of it other than the obvious. That fails. You try and talk yourself out of it, thinking about the amount of money your just going to throw away, not to mention the food, the thing that’s consumed your every thought for the last nine hours.
You get up and waddle to the bathroom like your a seven month pregnant woman. Your so repulsed by what you’ve done that you don’t even need to make yourself sick it just happens. After spending the last hour in the bathroom you go back to bed not even daring to brush your teeth and you lay there desperate to get on the scales to see the damage you've done. Your logical brain tells you that you need to give your body time to settle down but logic doesn't come into it when your irrational mind is in control. So you do it and it says you've gained a few pounds so you sit and you cry and you hate what you've done to yourself, climb back into bed because its not worth you being a wake. You finally drop off to sleep knowing that soon whether it be tomorrow or next week or next month its going to happen again. And again.
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