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A Facade of Smiles

Posted September 26th, 2011 at 09:28 AM by Underground_Network

So far in college I've been doing my best to be nice to everybody. I go to a VERY liberal college and there all sorts of people here. People with more piercings than they have orifices, people with tattoos that cover the majority of their bodies, people with abnormal eye colors, people with indeterminate genders, hair colors I didn't even know existed, etc. And I love all these people. I have nothing against them, etc. Hell, they're one of the reasons I chose this school. I love the unique.

This brings about two issues: 1) I don't like some of the people here because of their haughty dispositions, but I don't want it to be misconstrued as me being biased or extremely opinionated. 2) I tend to like natural girls... Girls without tattoos or too many piercings, girls who don't dye their hair often, etc. Despite this school being 70% female that ruins my chances of finding a girl worth spending my time with.

So during my time here I've been putting on smiles and waving to everyone, and hell I think my kindness has even creeped some people out, due to their obvious belief from wherever they originated that a normal person isn't nice to everyone. Thus just by being nice I've ruined my chances with some friendships and perhaps even potential relationships. Yet through all of this I keep on smiling. I hug random people and, despite being 99% straight, flirt with guys and girls alike. I'm just mister compliment and I can't help it. But through all of my kindness I still feel empty. Is it because I'm missing my second half? I honestly don't know. I love the friends I've made here and the experiences I've had have been great so far, and I still have so much time left in my freshman year, let alone in the three years I'll spend here after this.

It's just such a question mark when it comes to what I'm missing, because I know there's a void in my life right now. At first I thought it was filled when I engaged in random hookups, but now I'm realizing it wasn't. I don't know what it is, but everyday feels more and more drone-like. Smile, wave, do work, eat, sleep, and all the meanwhile don't forget to breathe. I just say hi to everyone and the whole day becomes a blur. I'm so nice to everyone that certain girls can't tell if I'm actually into them. And the girls I end up really hardcore flirting with always turn out to have boyfriends (or in two cases, girlfriends). It's just such a confusing state to be in. I just want to go to sleep one night and wake up next to a beautiful girl. That would be so odd yet so awesome.

But hell, who am I kidding? I don't even know if I'm what I'm missing is that feeling of love. Maybe I'm missing something else. Either way these fake smiles will likely keep leaping to my face and my hellos, even to those weirded out by them, will continue to fly about, and I'll be known as they awkward and overwhelmingly outgoing guy on campus.
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