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Posted May 2nd, 2013 at 05:22 PM by Charlotte95

So I haven't really posted a blog on here before, and I don't really care if anyone reads it or not, I just really need to rant. About parents, about friends. So I haven't felt depressed like this in a long while, it comes and goes. But it's weird how the most random things can drop me right back to where I began, and I'm tired. I can't tell if I love or hate my parents sometimes, they can be the loveliest of people and make me feel guilty of everything I've ever said to them, and within a second they can say or do something that will urge me to cut myself. I was picked up from college by my dad the other day, I was relatively happy, I told him how I had to go to my friend's later to pick up my bag (which I'd left there purposely so I wouldn't have to carry it around with me all day). And he flipped at me, I haven't a single clue why, he for some reason shouted at me and called me idiot, useless, and I lost it and screamed at him. We usually have very dysfunctional arguements. Eventhough he acts like I'm a waste of space sometimes, I was willing to forgive him and act like it was my fault because I couldn't be bothered to be in a bad mood, but he has just blanked me for three days, and my mam knows I cut and she sees that I'm in a state sometimes, but she doesn't ask if I'm ok, I don't know if she cares or thinks I'm attention seeking or just doesn't know how to deal with me, or what. And I have the worst bestfriends ever, they're too far up their own asses to care. I have one friend, who I've known since being 5 and she's someone who's very blunt and has a 'bitch' personality, which is a good thing but it can be her escuse to just be a cunt sometimes, which I hate, as she always takes the high ground. And my other friend pussy-foots around her and avoids confrontation, but she'll happily confront me. We were at her house, and she was cleaning her kitchen, I walked it and said 'You should have told me you were cleaning, I would have helped..' and she said in a snarky mood 'Well it's done now, I always have to clean up anyway.' 'I didn't know you were cleaning up though?' 'Well it's done now.' Then Bitch friend walks in within a minute later, goes 'Oh you were cleaning the kitchen? I would have helped you' then she goes with a sudden change in tune 'Oh I don't mind cleaning up~ I actually like cleaning, don't worry about it sit down'
Me: Wtf??
And I'm also someone who avoids confrontation but I don't treat them with a double standard like they do me. I try and be nice and understanding, because I just want people to like me for me I guess. I'm always there for them, they'll have a problem and rant at me and I listen, and I've cheered them up so many times, like at times when they think their boyfriends are cheating on them; and I can usually stop people from crying.
But when it comes to me they just don't care. They see cuts on my arms, they don't care eventhough they've self harmed and know what it's like. They just roll their eyes at eachother, and I've seen them. And today at the end of an art exam, I was waiting to wash my pallettes and stuff, and my friend (bitchfriend) was standing behind me texting. I went to the sink and turned aroung a split second later to ask her something, but she'd gone. As I walked home I never saw her standing waiting anywhere.You know is it so hard to tap me on the back and say 'I have to go now bye' she was standing a millimetre behind me, she must have just thought 'Nope got better offers' and left. Despite the fact I've waited for her to meet places so many times, and she's not the most reliable person. Idk it kind of pissed me off eventhough it's a little thing. I went to the train station to go home and saw her there sucking faces with her boyfriend. I sat on the train but pretended not to see her, to see if she'd come up to me as we get off the same stop and everything, but no. I texted her 7 hours ago 'U could have said bye, sorry if I've pissed u off somehow?' and never got a reply. I've been home since and asked my dad if I could get passed him so I could put something away and he snapped at me that he was busy, I said sorry and he said 'well fucking think' even though he was jsut standing there,literally. he then asked me a question but he was facing my mam when asking it, so I naturally presumed he wasn't talking to me, then he when 'nevermind forget it.' and I said 'what sorry, I didn't know you were talking to me' and he went 'No you're an ignorant little girl, who needs to grow the fuck up'. Usually things like that I can shrug off but I just felt like I was getting abuse from everywhere and I felt like crying and began to leave the room, but I was carrying a drink that my mam made me and I forgot to say thankyou understandably; and she confronted me about it then my dad went on a massive shouting episode 'I'm sick to death of [I]her[I]' and stuff about me being a selfish bitch and that I'm nothing. I just ran upstairs for the first time not shouting back, then my parents started arguing with the odd comment about me. And I don't know what to do, I know my problems are nothing to what some people go through. But I just feel like there's no place in my life where I don't feel like I'm getting judged or ignored or being verbally abused, sometimes by my own thoughts. I don't have a person to talk or go to, which is why I've felt the need to join this site and get it off my chest T_T
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