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You have entered the Underground, there is no turning back now. Darkness is dragging you in, light is fading out of the picture. Enshrouded in darkness, reading may be hard, but at this point, reading will be the only pleasure at your disposal.
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*Sigh* (Really freaking long, but, I'd like at least a couple people to read it...)

Posted August 3rd, 2009 at 03:58 PM by Underground_Network

I need to write to get this emotion out of me, but I can't. I can't think of the words to describe how you've made me feel. And the terrible thing, is that it's not your fault.

It's all my fault. I fucked up, you told me I fucked up, I told you I understood, but I tried to make you pity me. And you told me to stop. You told me I was bothering you, but I just couldn't stop until I "won" you back. And every time I said another word it made things worse. I could have said you were the most beautiful girl ever and you would have still told me to shut the fuck up.

I understand how I've made you feel. It makes me want to slam my head through a wall. But I just don't know. I know you'll never read this, and I know you'd care, but in your strange way of caring which might even involve slapping me and crying.

I just don't know. Finally I had something good in my life. And just like that, with the snap of your fingers, it's over. The only good thing in my life is out the window. I sacrificed everything for you, but that's my fault too.

My life is a series of screw ups. And just as I'm on the rise, I make my biggest mistake and find myself falling back down again.

It doesn't matter what I say or do, you'll have the emotional scars I've left you with. And I'll just add to mine. My collection of emotional scars hidden deep inside my heart. I've been collecting them forever, and they just keep growing.

One day I know they'll rip open and I'll bleed out and it will all finally be over, but, at least right now, I hope that moment is a long way away. It's so hard to want to die but not want to die.

It's so complicated when part of you is desperate for suicide but that other, smaller part of you is screaming out, "No, life isn't over yet, you have so many fucking years ahead of you! What the fuck is your problem? Get your head back into reality and focus on turning your life around! Focus on turning the good into bad! Trash your obsessions, build up a healthy social life, and make yourself a somebody! You can't be anybody if you don't try!"

And still that part of me only wins rarely. And when it does it's victories are short-lived. I stay happy for a matter of hours if I'm lucky.

And though these feelings motivate me, they usually motivate me at the wrong time. Because the second I start thinking about making my life better, I realize how crappy my life really is and that triggers my depression.

It's like good is equivalent to bad in my life. I mean, look at what I did to you... I turned something good for me (and I hope good for you) into something terrible for the both of us. I fucked up a beautiful friendship.

I want to shoot myself for that, I want to see how you'd react. I know you'd probably cry, but how can I know anything for sure?

How can I know anything at all anymore? To assume makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me," but still, how can we get anywhere if we don't make assumptions? You have to assume a girl *MIGHT* like you in order to ask her out. You have to assume you have a shot at making a time if you're going to try out. You have to assume quite often. Sometimes there's no other choice. And sometimes you turn to faith, but what the fuck is prayer going to do for you?

Praying to God does nothing for you. Even if you believe in Him, think about it, has he ever showed his fucking face? And why do good people die and bad people live? Why is our society so corrupt? If there truly was a God above us, and it wasn't some emotionless machine, why the fuck hasn't tried to help us turn our world around? Our world is so pointless. People don't realize it, but it is.

One day I'll get married. I'll end up with kids. I'll raise them with my ideals and under my belief system. I'll teach them how to think and how to act. But how the fuck is that proper? And they hell does that matter? My kids will eventually die anyway. Our world is fucked beyond all hope.

It's like that guy who dies in a car bomb and is "F.U.B.A.R." That's what our world is: "F.U.B.A.R." Nobody recognizes our world anymore, because its lost its sole identity.

And I don't even know where this is going, so I'll end this here.

I need you, and I know you probably don't need me, but right now I need you. I understand that I can live without you, but right now I need you to help make my life better. You'll never know that, but I desperately need you. Without you, I'm F.U.B.A.R. With you, I still have a shot of doing something with my life.

In a years time I might not need you anymore, but right now without you I'm seriously fucked. And I mean SERIOUSLY FUCKED. So yeah... I know you'll never read this, and I know ninety-nine percent of the people on this site won't read this either, but still... I'm glad I got this out.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    TigerLily's Forum Picture
    You've just got one out of your couple of people.
    Posted August 3rd, 2009 at 04:06 PM by TigerLily TigerLily is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Underground_Network's Forum Picture
    Thank you Rachel. It means a lot that you read this. Even if you didn't read all of it... As it kind off gets off-topic toward the end, but yeah. Seriously thank you.

    Posted August 3rd, 2009 at 04:09 PM by Underground_Network Underground_Network is offline
  3. Old Comment
    TigerLily's Forum Picture
    I read every single word.
    And you're most welcome, I really do think I can relate a lot to this.
    Please don't kill yourself... listen to that courage inside of you.
    Let this be another rare success. And then let those successes become not such a rarity. I know its hard to believe, I'm having trouble believing this myself atm, but there is always, always hope.
    It's just that pain clouds it over sometimes.
    But pain doesn't last forever, and the sun shines through some day.
    You just need to fight and hang on in there until the wind blows those clouds away...
    Posted August 3rd, 2009 at 04:19 PM by TigerLily TigerLily is offline
  4. Old Comment
    MysticalBurrito's Forum Picture
    I read it...Adam... Please don't kill yourself things will get better
    Posted August 3rd, 2009 at 04:40 PM by MysticalBurrito MysticalBurrito is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Sunshine Girl's Forum Picture
    aw adam everythings going to be okay
    Posted August 3rd, 2009 at 05:25 PM by Sunshine Girl Sunshine Girl is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Underground_Network's Forum Picture
    I'm certainly glad I still have you Ster.

    And Karina, it means a lot to me that you read it all, thank you.

    <- Hugs for everyone.
    And Ster, I know you'll always be there for me, even if no one I can physically talk to around here will be there for me... And that means a lot. Always and forever Ster.
    Posted August 3rd, 2009 at 07:08 PM by Underground_Network Underground_Network is offline
  7. Old Comment
    OnlyByTheNight.'s Forum Picture
    I read it Adam.... Please don't do anything bad to yourself. I care about you.
    Posted August 3rd, 2009 at 07:18 PM by OnlyByTheNight. OnlyByTheNight. is offline
  8. Old Comment
    NightFighter's Forum Picture
    "No, life isn't over yet, you have so many fucking years ahead of you! What the fuck is your problem? Get your head back into reality and focus on turning your life around! Focus on turning the good into bad! Trash your obsessions, build up a healthy social life, and make yourself a somebody! You can't be anybody if you don't try!"
    Listen!
    Please Adam, you're far too awesomely amazingly outstandingly awesome! =D Its true Stay strong Adam. I know that one day you will look back and be so very thankful that you have held on. Remember, im here to speak to you anytime
    Posted August 14th, 2009 at 07:12 AM by NightFighter NightFighter is offline
 

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