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January 16th, 2018 | Blog Entry 2 | 1:12 AM Entry Start Time

Posted January 16th, 2018 at 02:47 AM by RavenTheGoddess

Have I ever told you I have anxiety? I notice it's always worse at night or in public (I have both Generalized and Social Anxiety as far as I know, I could easily have other types too that I don't know about but that's a different topic for a different day.)

I keep hearing noises that I know in the back of my mind are most likely nothing, but I feel severely uneasy and unsafe right now. Half the time I feel like I'm hearing noises that aren't even real. I feel like I might be having another anxiety attack, or maybe even a panic attack given that it's unprovoked and random. This all started tonight when I decided to lay back down after using the bathroom, only to have the feeling that my bed was shaking, only to find that the source of the shaking were my legs. I then thought I heard a noise in my kitchen and the first thought that came to mind was that I was getting robbed. No matter how much I told myself it would be impossible for anyone to get in without aggravating my dogs or causing some sort of loud noise, the thought would not leave my head.

This isn't the first time this has happened either. Out of the 17 years I've been alive, I've had a total of 5 anxiety or panic attacks all occurring within the last 6 years. Only one of them happened during the day. The other 4 all happened at night. Two of which happened after waking up in the middle of the night, one happened before 9 PM, and this one happened before 1 AM. The two that happened in the middle of the night were the most terrifying. The first one to happen at night happened about a month or two after I moved, my mom and I were living with my best friend and his mom at the time. I remember waking up in a blind panic, making no noise but being absolutely petrified as I stared down the hallway from my bedroom for no apparent reason. Eventually, my friend woke up and he woke up our moms who helped me in every way they could. The second one, we had just moved into a new house again, just a few months after moving the first time and I had fallen asleep in a recliner at my computer. The wind was blowing hard this night and it startled me so bad that I was, once again, petrified out of fear for my life for what felt like an hour before the wind finally died down and I was able to go back to sleep. The third one happened mid 2017. I was dealing with a lot of stress at the time and I had added on the daunting task of transforming my old PC into a better one and it all just got to me as I was trying to figure out compatibilities and trying to fit everything within a set budget. My mom found me sitting and staring into the darkness of my room about half an hour after leaving for my room. These days though, I actually enjoy the task of building a PC now that I have all the parts planned out and everything, but I'm getting off topic. The one that did not happen at night actually happened just before I got on the school bus and I spent my entire ride home in a panic. I'm still surprised I was able to get on the bus in the first place, normally I'm immobilized. That was the last year I ever spent attending a public school.

As of finishing this blog entry, I'm completely calm now. I have no idea why my computer seems to be the thing that helps me calm down. Maybe it was putting all of this in a document, maybe it was simply because I was distracting myself, I'll probably never know. Nothing else works to help me calm down, so once again, my computer has saved my sanity and been one of the greatest friends I could ask for. ...I truly lead a sad life, don't I?
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