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Finishing My 2015

Posted December 29th, 2015 at 12:02 PM by Forever Imperfect

In the course of this year, I have:
  • gotten myself a boyfriend
  • got and left my job
  • moved away from home
  • gone to university
  • been stupidly drunk too many times
  • celebrated my one year free of self harm
  • come off my medication

Although this sounds good written down like that, I have to let you know that some of these things have not been easy.

I used to burn myself on candle wax, cut my fingers so it looked like an accident when I was cooking and scratched my skin raw. I celebrated the anniversary on the 18th of November. Except recently I have not been in a good place mentally. This could be because of me coming off my medication, I've stopped going to doctors appointments and didn't get permission to come off them. We had talked about lowering the amount. I guess I got it into my head that I didn't need them anymore and have been weening myself off of them since June. I haven't had them for the last two and a half months.

I was better. I am better.

Bad thoughts have started to come back. To the point where I am starting to rethink things, like what is okay. In a drunken haze last night I believed that my friends were angry at me, that I'd ruined their night, and so I took it out on myself. Just scratching in one place but it's not the point. All of the times this year I have wanted to do something to myself, I didn't because I knew I was doing so well.

My boyfriend knows a lot about me; about my head, my gender issues, my family. He is so supportive and helps me through so much it's terrible telling him that I've failed.

We met through Tinder. Yes I know, a horrible place . But he gave me the courage to get of the relationship that I was in at the time. It wasn't good for me. I was dreading seeing my ex and when I thought about things for too long I would get down or have an anxiety attack. He didn't want to let me be who I want to be. He didn't understand.

But Michael is different.

Hell he even went shopping with me so that I could look at the guys clothes and not look like an idiot. I feel bad for him because he has only really known me when I haven't been on my medication. He has helped me through panic attacks and even talked me out of suicide in the past three months that we have been together. The boy needs a medal as big as a frying pan.

So this is what I'm going to do.

In the new year, I am going to start taking my tablets (or what's left of them) again, maybe one every other day so that I don't run out too soon. I've registered at a doctor's clinic near where I'm staying for university and I'm going to try and get an appointment. A check and a re-evaluation. There is also this place to do with the university that is supposed to help the people that use it to cope with whatever they have going on in their personal lives. I am going to see if I can apply for the help that I need.

I'm just so tired at the minute. And to make it worse, I'm even more tired of being tired. Does that make sense? Oh well.

I know what I need to do, I just need the courage to do it now.

Kass xx
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