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The Nightmares That Haunt Me

Posted August 8th, 2015 at 03:29 PM by Gwen

I haven't been able to sleep, everytime I try and nap I wake up crying and screaming. I'm stuck having a recurring dreams of the past and I just feel like my head is going to explode constantly. My head is heavy and hot and my body feels like it is trying to drag weights behind it. Sleeping is too scary and now it seems I do not have a choice but to fall asleep soon. I don't know if taking my pills will make me better or worse.
Waking up in an empty room in the dark just makes me more scared then before, I just feel lonely and depressed whenever I look around. All mirrors have been removed in my room which feels like a hindsighted blessing... This darkness feels like it is going to drown me and all it does is make my skin crawl. Who am I supposed to talk to about this? I don't want to make anyone else's life harder than it already is... Better to keep it to myself and hide it like everything else, I like to help others because it lets me forget about all my problems. I'm probably the worst kind of person who just wants to hide and give everyone empty smiles and reassurances as I rip out my own hair. I don't know anymore...

I have a lot of thoughts that sting me, but the one that most recently burns is my last breakup. I told her she had to do better, I was going to drag us both down. She cried and hit me plenty of times on the chest but it only became numb at that point. I didn't cry then, I still haven't cried about it. Which one of us walked in the other direction first one that day? I don't remember, I don't want the answer. Everytime I relive the moment I try and say something anything and nothing comes out, just the sound of her crying. I really am worthless and despicable aren't I? Wanting to vent and just say everything that bothers and haunts me, but I don't really deserve it anymore.
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