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A rant about my stupidity

Posted July 22nd, 2015 at 07:24 AM by Rocketsnail

Bisexuality is a bitch, I like both guys and girls. There is only one girl I'm interested in at my school, let's pretend her name is Claire. Claire was one of my first friends back when I started at my new school 3 years ago. She was in my art and graphics classes and so we would talk often, and usually talk more than actually do any work. Kind, caring and selfless she was then, a bunch of traits I wish I possessed but seriously admire. We really got along, and people kept telling me that she liked me, and that I should hurry up and ask her out. 12-13 year old me didn't believe what anyone said and we continued to be good friends. Later in the year I was shown proof of her saying that she liked me, and I didn't know what to do. I did something I really regretted, and I seriously hurt her. Not physically, I would never do that, but mentally. I didn't mean to but I made her feel really insecure, and she hated me. At this point in the year I had started questioning my bullshit sexuality.

Fast forward to the amazing year of 2014 a.k.a the shittiest year in my life. Over the Christmas holidays I had managed to apologise to her enough to make her trust me again, but she didn't like me anywhere near as much as before. We had this school camp where we were put in the same lodge together and that was nice. It was a good way for us to strengthen our friendship a bit more. I blogged about another camp story last year so I won't go into details about it. Skip ahead some more later into the year and by now I have convinced her, along with everyone in my whole year that I was depressed or bipolar or something. I don't know what said that I was like that, but that's what people told me and asked me about, so I believed them. My brother, he'd been exceptionally stressful at this moment in time and it really got me down. But Claire was always there. She was always there for me, even when I didn't need her. On multiple occasions near the end of the year I would have small episodes where I would panic at night and cry myself to sleep and blah. It wasn't fun. But she was there always willing to help. I trusted her a lot, which is why she was one of the first people I came out to as bi. I thought she would hate me for it, but she respected it, unlike some others. She is just generally a lovely person. One night we were talking, and we ended up telling each other that we liked each other. And this sent me over the moon. I was absolutely fucking ecstatic. However I was depressed or some shit at this point and I never followed up on it, because I'm an absolute fucktard. With the depression came a psychologist, who didn't really help, but was kind of nice to just talk to someone about things. I can't remember much more of last year, the majority of it was me hating myself for being myself. But oh well...

Moving onto this year, the fantastic year of 2015. She still talks to me every now and then, I find it awkward to talk to people now, because I get this sort of social anxiety thing sometimes. I feel like everyone really hates me and probably talks about me behind my back, like there were a nice set of rumours going around about me for a bit, all negative and hurtful of course... Anyhow, I struggle to talk to people I don't know that well and I feel like my sexuality sorta causes that sometimes, I just feel awkward around everyone simply because I like everyone. Anyway because I'm a dumb shit I waited all this time to ask Claire out, and around the time I plan on going to do so, another guy goes and asks her out. And of course... She says yes... And yet again I'm left alone with no one that likes me. Don't get me wrong in saying this, because I am really happy that she's happy with him, but it really annoyed me that it wasn't me going out with her. As weird as this sounds, she is pretty much the only girl who's keeping me from being gay, I mean without her, honestly, I probably would be. She's the only one I like and the only one that at some stage reciprocated it.

The future fucking terrifies me. Thinking about death, which is something that is common for me, causes me to panic, boost the heart rate up and keep me awake for longer just to think about it. I just don't want to die alone, or a painful death. I have to work in the future. I have to get a job. One way or another children will somehow make their way into the equation. It just all seems like too much. It's 12:16 am now, I'm tired, and getting annoyed at myself for crushing on about 20 people. Thanks for reading if you managed to make it to the end without getting too bored. Have a good day, night or sleep
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