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I have heterochromia iridium, meaning my eyes are two different colors. One is blue and the other green and I've always found this very symbolic of the duality in my life. This is just kind of my thoughts and my inner insanity, feel free to read my rants, I just like to put things out there.
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Going Numb Again

Posted November 12th, 2014 at 06:09 PM by queenofcontrariety

What is the cost of shutting down your emotions in the hope of protecting yourself? I feel like I've completely lost myself or put an even wider gap between the two sides of my mind and my very existence.

I can trace a lot of issues I deal with pretty far back, my insane outbursts for a couple years, body image issues to about age 8 when my mom first started calling me fat, nonpurging bulimia to seventh grade, and on and off self harm for about 3 years. My first suicidal thought was probably around 5th grade {I tried to jump out of a moving car in hysterics, luckily the door had the child lock on}. All this and I'm just 16.

Sure, I haven't had a parent die, been abused, or have some overly closeted sexuality. But that doesn't make my life as perfect as everyone thinks. My younger brother is autistic, which I've always dealt with, but I know I'm my parents only hope to have a "Normal" child. I resent my mom for calling me fat at such a young age and dragging me on all her crash diets with her. My dad is my sanity in my house, but he goes from 0-60 in no time at all and it's terrifying.

There is a history of bipolar disorder, eating disorders, and other forms of mental illness on both sides, yet my mom doesn't believe it's real. She went out searching for a diagnosis for my brother, yet I had to fight for the chance to see anyone about my issues.

I'm sure a lot of people on here, struggling with similar things, know what going numb feels like. You can't find joy in anything, yet you can't quite find sadness. This ever present state of indifference slowly killing you. One of the most poignant quotes I know happens to be by Elie Wiesel, it is:
“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.”
I feel indifferent to the world and it's slowly killing me. This indifference is more of my thoughts and feels cancelling each other out so often that I don't even bother feeling anymore.

I hate letting people in because everyone ends up leaving, and I end up worse than I started. But I hate being alone because I let myself fall into this pit of despair.

I hate food because it makes me feel fat and balloon, but I love it because it makes me feel nice and is one of my only true passions anymore. I don't even want to bake anymore, which is the scariest part of this for me because that's always been my thing but I'm just too out of it to allow myself to.

I hate feeling like this, feeling so out of it, but I don't know if I want to "get better". Sure, it'll be nice to not be on edge all the time, but it's become a part of who I am. I'm in this situation because I shut myself down. I shut down my feminity for a while because no one wanted a girl in their engineering class. I shut down my ability to love because I found myself far to broken to love again and crash all over again. I shut down my primitive need for food because I didn't wan my mom to hate me for being fat. What do I have left? My insanity? Is it worth it to get better and lose all that I know I am?
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